More than Words

I have been listening to The Avett Brothers a lot lately. Their song "Paranoia in B Major" has kind of resonated with me these past few weeks. So here are the lyrics (I've bolded and italicized the parts that speak to me the most):

I keep tellin’ myself that it’ll be fine
You can’t make everybody happy all of the time.
I found myself in a place that I've never been;
A place that I thought that I would never be.
There’s people looking back at me

I keep having this dream: I’m at a party
There’s people throwing drinks and screaming, telling me that I don’t belong.
Lately life’s been the same; I find this comfortable place
With all my friends and then my friends start telling me that I’ve always been wrong
And I’m so tired of being wrong

There was a time I could move, there was a time I could breathe.
The crowded spaces filled with angry faces,
It didn’t once cross my mind.
With paranoia on my heels, will you love me still
when we awake and you find that the sanity has gone from my eyes?

I got secrets from you, you got secrets from me
Because you’re so worried about what I’m gonna think.
Baby I’m worried too.
But if love is a game, girl, then you’re gonna win.
I’ll spend the rest of my life bringing victory in
If you want me to.


Deer Tick's song "Art Isn't Real (City of Sin)" has also resonated with me.

I am the dotted line,
And you fill me in with whatever you like.
I am just going through the motions.
I need an old fashioned potion.
There has gotta be some old recipe.
'Cuz I gotta get drunk,
I gotta forget about somethings.

I lived in lies all my life,
And I've been living here for a long, long time,
And I know its been coming down a while now,
When it shows, then you get me on the dial,
But right now you're half way around the world,
Maybe I'll see better days, but I'm not so sure I will.
I'm still hanging round and round.
Sometimes it's a racket, but lately not a sound.
In the bowels of history and time,
I have learned to stay back and never shine.
Now I feel stupid when I smile.
For not a journey, a circus are our lives.

I can't make up for everything I waste,
And I know that I could never afford a taste,
Of anything that your lovely hands make,
It eats away before the soul brake.
Just because it brings a smile to my face,
such a bad memory, you just can't erase.

I know of a City to steal from,
And I know of a City to cheat on,
And I know of a City of Sin,
And that's the place I wanna meet you in,
And say hello all over again,
Romance me and take it back to the beginning.

Both songs speak to me because I have really felt lost these past few months. I'm not one for wafting around and pretending that I wanted to go to art school when pastry school didn't pan out made me slightly crazy. I guess I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready for art school and I'm pretty sure it's something that I'll never do. I just don't take it seriously. I mean, art is for me. Not for anyone else. Definitely not for someone else to judge (even though that's part of the viewing process). Maybe one day I'll be ready for that but it's not today.

Once I stopped ignoring the fact that I didn't feel like AI Portland was a place I could see myself taking classes in, I really didn't want to admit that I don't know anything, especially what I'm good at. I also didn't really want to come to terms with the fact that I won't love or want to keep the first job I have post college. I'm 23; there's time to figure out what I'm good at. I guess I'm not really that good at being uncomfortable and I have already had a few jobs that have made me wish my car broke down on the way in so I wouldn't have to go (despite the obvious headache that would accompany a broken car). I hated every minute of it and I don't exactly want to go back to that (but honestly, who would? Still people do it every day and for years!)

I guess it all goes back to the idea that I want to be the exception to the rule, not the rule itself. I wanted to be the one person that found out what they wanted to do with their life right out of college and, on top of that, found a good job (that paid well!) and actually was hiring. But no, that's not me and I'm certain that person doesn't exist.

Maybe the problem is that I'm good at lots of things and now it's time to choose something to do and there are just too many options. That sounds like a high class problem.

It's ok to have multiple jobs in a lifetime. It's even ok to be discontent, as long as it isn't forever. I'm just scared that I'll be discontent for the rest of my life and not even realize it.

Here's to the Future

I hate spraying air freshener and, because I have to walk through it on the way out of the door, end up smelling like "Tahitian flowers" when I emerge from the bathroom.

I appreciate the fact that I might be one of the only people who ever thinks about this more than a fleeting moment but it's something I think about every time I spray air freshener, which mean every time I feel like being kind after I poop.

I am currently sitting at the Columbia public library, listening to La Roux's "Bullet Proof." This song makes me think of England because La Roux always played at Sugarhouse and one of the girls definitely played at least one La Roux song every time they went out (read: every night of the week).

I have no idea where that intro thought came from; in all honesty I started writing this post about two weeks ago and that's where I started. Since then I have decided a few things. Most importantly: I am going to stay in Columbia and pay off my loans at a VA job. Well I just found out today that I do not qualify for the one job I am basically a shoe in for. Sigh. Such is life. On the upside, I have found at least five other jobs that I can apply for. Not to mention one other job at the VA. Of course the five other jobs are open right now. Not in three months like I want. But yea...I'm working on it. That said, I just turned in my deposit and application for an apartment. So I guess that part is covered. Unless of course I get turned down, which is entirely possible though unlikely.

I am suddenly freezing in here.

There is a heap of things that I'm meant to be doing. Most specifically, my art project because yes, I am still taking a class. I'd be a professional student but I'm actually ok with not going to class all the time or having homework. I mean I guess I do have that but it's entirely up to me at this point to do more work. I have finished one print (something that Chris said was flawless-shocking to me too) which really was the only thing I had to do for the class. That being said, I'd really like to make several more. I have ideas, but then again I don't really.

I hate Google Instant.


I feel excited about the future. I guess I'm excited about living on my own with my cats. I don't exactly want to work every day (or take classes for that matter) and I think it will be a challenge. I sometimes worry about how I'm going to make money but then I remember that I don't exactly have to love my job. I just need one. I can do that.

Working...?

Strangely, while I'm working I always think about things and get ideas for print or life issues get sorted/tangled. I think it's funny in a way. I mean I'm meant to be thinking about the task at hand but what I do is often repetetive and mundane so my mind has a chance and the ability to wander onto almost anything.

Time for a piece of truth:
I'm afraid to go to pastry school or art school because I'm pretty sure that I'm not really good at either thing. I'm scared of failing. Going to art school means I have to embrace art in a way I've never done before and I don't know how to. I'm scared that I'll continue to treat it as a hobby where everyone else treats it as life.
The honest truth is that I dont know what I want to do in my life and I'm pretty sure I'm not really good anything. Except maybe those mindless tasks I complete daily (if completion equals good).

Sidenote: (An update on the independently wealthy scheme) My roommate JP gave me some sound advice regarding marrying a wealthy man: Stop hanging out with artists.

I'll Let You Think That I'm Yours When I'm Not

So a lot has happened in the past week. Upon returning to work, I was greeted with an email of epic proportions: I needed to hand in the proof that I am a student. Well, no problem I thought. Just get that acceptance from AI Portland. Done.

...

Right, except AI Portland didn't listen to me and I was accepted for fall. Hm...how do I explain that to work? I know it says fall but classes don't actually start until January. Despite a phone call and an email requesting a phone call back or a fax with the correct info for work, Portland has yet to respond to me.

So I am a Mizzou student for one more semester. I am taking a one credit course with my amazing print teacher, the great Chris Daniggelis. It's an independent study print course and I am excited to be working again, both in print and at my actual job. I will spend the semester learning and pushing myself to make more and better things to strenghten my portfolio. Maybe I'll go to an art school in Portland.

I am still planning on moving to Portland. Whether I go to AI or somewhere else at this point is completely up in the air. But I'm glad for this time at Mizzou with Chris. I clearly need it.

School starts on Monday.

I'm Here for Liquor and Dessert

I'm 23 years old.

I've spent the last week at my mom's, watching my nieces. We have had fun. I love my nieces and I appreciate spending so much time with them.

That being said, I need to get the fuck out of here. Seriously. I can feel myself getting stuck here. Overspending (so much for the budget), wasting days doing nothing, not thinking about my future. I'm trapped in the same crap with my mom, arguing about nothing. My mom actually made me cry at dinner. My birthday dinner. It's stupid but true; she spent the entire dinner not talking to anyone. It was just me and my nieces. At 23, I cried. My feelings were hurt and I felt stupid.

She apologized the next day.

That said, my brother and sister are back in town tomorrow. I'll be out tomorrow night. Happy birthday me.

The Sweet Life

So I'm at home, my new home, and I'm spending time alone (for the first time) with JP, one of my new housemates. Now I'm certain I mentioned this before but I'll say it again but I can never remember how much of the running monologue that is my thoughts I actually write down. JP and Niki are married. I suppose I've known them both for a while now. Really I've known Niki for two years; I've known about JP's existence for just as long though I met him maybe a year ago. They are perfect together, at least in my eyes.

Now tonight is just as any other night except that I am spending time alone with JP for the first time. It's not weird, at least not entirely, which kind of surprised me at first. Let me clarify something before I go on; Niki is just out for a while. This little moment in time where it's just JP and I will really only last about two hours-and I am typing this in the middle of that time.

With that said, I have to spend this time writing this as I am thinking it right now. I do feel slightly cliched typing this but here goes: I am so lucky. Here are these amazing people who care about me something akin to the way my family does. Maybe only in a peripheral sense, but they do care about my well-being, care enough to take care of me and offer me a place in their home. To provide me with a launching off point for my future.

I have thought this multiple times in the past several months, but especially in the last two weeks. As I spend more time with them, I just have to smile at their quirks. I mean really, it's just who they are. They make dinner for each other. They sit and budget together. They ask about each other's day. And then they do (almost) all that for me too. Seriously?

So what's prompted this gooey I-love-my-friends post? I don't know. I guess I'm just weird.

JP and I started making dinner at the same time (he's making a shrimp dish-something I am suddenly allergic to, otherwise I'm certain I would have been asked to join). My food, as any other college kids dinners, took about 5 minutes to make and just as long to eat. As I ate and watched JP creepily (something I called the appropriate amount of attention to), he asked me questions, about my day, what I like in KC, normal stuff. I think it's interesting to think that we don't really know much about each other and yet I feel completely at ease with him. I think sometimes there's the feeling that the empty air in the room needs to be filled by talking but I like that I can have a (mostly) comfortable silence with him.

It's different with Niki. We have had those completely comfortable silences together to but she's a person I tell all my shenanigan tales to and she listens without judgment and mostly offers pieces of advice and support. I feel bad (often) because I feel like I don't do a very good job reciprocating those feelings but I am trying to be better at telling the people who matter how much they mean to me (well without coming across as weirdly out of no where or creepy as--which is why I haven't said anything to JP yet, I don't think we're to that point).

Either way, I feel like I am, just as I said, very lucky.

21 Randoms

If we're friends on facebook, you might remember my previous randoms list that occurred while I was in England. I liked it so I'm doing it again.

1. I bite my nails when I'm nervous or stressed out.
2. That being said, once I start, if there's a jagged edge, I can't stop.
3. I am trying to figure out a way to become independently wealthy.
4. I wish I was more talented at art.
5. I don't feel like I'm really good at anything.
6. I love the show Burn Notice because it's exciting and sort of romantic.
7. I loathe the fact that I just wrote "sort of romantic" and meant it.
8. I have an irrational dislike for Kiera Knightly. And Ashton Kutcher (as I've previously mentioned) and a host of other celebrities.
9. I feel like a "typical college grad" meaning I'm pretty sure I don't have any idea what I want to do now...
10. Outside the independently wealthy scheme, that is.
11. I'm afraid that I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
12. Part of me would be ok with that. The other part is certain I am missing out on a lot.
13. These randoms remind me of postsecret except they're not a secret because they're all from me and I told you that.
14. I like watching all the CSI shows. Vegas is the best, and Miami and New York follow nearly neck and neck. I haven't seen enough of New York to make an actual decision about it and Horatio's ridiculous ways are almost too much for me.
15. My favorite kind of photography is black and white with one random color.
16. I am attracted to older men. This is something I am just figuring out about myself.
17. I like beards.
18. Whenever I see a commercial for IHOP, I think about the time I went there with Jacquie and we had a great time, despite not really enjoying our food.
19. I think that KIA commercial with the hamsters is totally weird.
20. I hate packing my lunch for work. I guess I'm just lazy.
21. I'd like to go to New York.