Be Elaborate. Don't Compromise

My printmaking teacher said that about our first assignment but I think it could apply to life as well. I feel like I'm always compromising, what I want in life, who I think I'm supposed to be, how I spend my time. I'm not exactly sure how or if I'm meant to 'remedy' this so called issue.

I'm sitting in the graphic design lab at the FAB, working on my capstone paper that was due yesterday (technically two days ago). I feel like that Vampire Weekend song, Giving Up the Gun. I personify that lyric Ezra sings "And though it's been a long time, you're right back where you've started from." I just went through the agony of staying up way too late to work on something that really shouldn't be this hard. This is my last semester. I should be living...well not really on easy street because this is probably one of the more important semesters of my college career.

I'm coming to realize that I've been content with a certain kind of mediocrity for most of my life. Maybe that's not fair though it really doesn't matter. I honestly cannot think of a time when I've "fired on all cylinders" so to speak. I don't know if I've ever put my full effort into something ever. I'm unsure of what that would look like. What kind of work would I be producing if I did more than just enough?

I'm not sure if I can actually accomplish doing my best at everything in life. Just thinking about it makes me tired. Especially with school work. I feel like there's a choice between doing what I think is fun or "living in the moment" and doing what I should do or "be responsible." Most days I feel like that Fiona Apple lyric "I sit and daydream. I've got daydreams galore." I almost feel like I've got next to nothing to show for the past four years. What have I accomplished here? I know that I've changed, I've grown as a person, I've challenged myself. I've spent a semester away from my country. I've learned a lot. But I don't have anything that I can actually show someone. Here, this is what I did as a college student. I don't have a comprehensive body of work, literature or art. As a senior, there's talk about portfolios, graduate applications, job interviews.

Today I overheard my print teacher talking to a student about the Whitney Biennial. They were talking about the art and how it fit into art history, its connections with other contemporary art, the feelings it generated in the viewer. I heard them and I felt left out. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to join in the conversation. I would have nothing to contribute. I feel like I don't really know anything. Like I've spent time just listening but not digesting or interpreting the information I've gathered in my life. I really feel like I"m not where I'm supposed to be. But here's the rub, I don't really know where I"m supposed to be. I don't think it's fair to judge myself based on someone else and what they've accomplished. Maybe its because I haven't done much so I won't actually measure up to anyone that's my age or in my current situation (i.e. soon to be graduating senior). I've been asked to be accountable for my future, my views on life, art, literature, everything. I feel like it's almost asking too much. How can I be accountable for all that information? I don't know what I'm doing in the future. I mean, not in any real meaningful way. I "know" what I'll be doing for the next year or so. We'll say two years. After that? I have no idea. I'm supposed to grow up and work like a real adult.

I don't know what this means. I just know that I'm tired. I'm tired of calling mediocrity high caliber work.

Stop Shoulding On Yourself!

So I'm bad at timely blogging. If you've ever read my blogs or met me, you should not be surprised. I am trying though. Okay, so I did forget about restarting my blog and spent the last couple of weeks just going from one thing to the next, always taking a little too long with whatever leisure time I do have.

I really wonder if this "time management" thing will ever pan out for me.

My brain always seems to be hurting lately. I spend my time thinking and trying to do what I need to for class to be a successful student. It's just so hard to be present in the here and now when I'm always about fifteen steps ahead, thinking about the future: my spring break plans have been planned for nearly three weeks. Sure, some things need to be done in advance; planning for any trip or a move for example. I usually plan lots of things in advance. I'm so busy planning and thinking that the actual doing doesn't happen in the planned time frame.

I was talking to Reid (my wonderful therapist) and he told me to "stop shoulding on yourself." Basically he means what he said. I keep thinking about how things should be. It is holding me back in being here, right now. I'm too distracted by how I think things need to be or how they were supposed to be.

Okay, lamest ending ever but I have so much to do I really can't finish cleanly. So, until next time.

9 Minutes Late

I'm back!
Well, I guess I never really left. It's just that the last six months of my life have not been documented. I suppose I thought that when I got back from England-oh by the way, I did make it back- there wouldn't be anything really worth mentioning here. Who knows? Maybe there really isn't. But whatever the case, I decided to start back up with this blog thing. Besides, I'm going to graduate (!) soon. I suppose these last few months before I embark into "the great unknown" are worth noting.
I meant to do this earlier when it was still January 27 but I'm nine minutes late. Typical. I do have about 20 pages to read for my class tomorrow at 9:30 and I've started a new cycle of sleep deprivation so I don't really have time to catch up at this moment. But here are some quick and dirty moments from the last six months:
1) I came home owing people money. (I paid it back eventually)
2) I started seeing Reid (my therapist) again.
3) I started wearing contacts for real, not for fakes.
4) I had three jobs this semester: Student Ambassador for AEAS, student worker for the Columbia VA, and a teaching assistant for a learning strategies class.
5) I have a new bestie, who laughs at me when I'm being crazy and talks me off the ledges I put myself on.
6) My sister got knocked up. I'm having a nephew soon.
7) I pulled 4 all nighters in the last two weeks of last semester.
8) I spent New Years in Chicago!

My English Adventure Is Waning

I have 13 days left of my English adventure. Today Alyssa, Danielle, Yarran (another Aussie), and I had dinner with Marisa to wish her off. She is leaving tomorrow morning to go back home. It has started. The goodbyes were strange. It was like I was wishing her a lovely vacation; don't worry I'll see you soon. But the thing is, I won't be. There is no guarantee in this world that I'll even see her again in my life. That's how it is with everyone that I've met here.

I've been thinking about it and I suppose it's like everything else in this world: you have to work at it to get anything worth while in return. Only I can "guarantee" if I will see these girls ever again. I was serious when I talked about visiting Alyssa in Australia next July. That would be a kick ass grad gift to myself. I'm serious when I say I'd like to go to Canada to see Marisa. I'm serious when I say I'm saving money to spend spring break in Florida with Danielle.

We all don't want to leave, not because England is so superior to our actual homes but because that means that we'll be leaving each other. How do you walk away from a good friend? These last few days have been and will continue to be bittersweet. We are all conscious and excited about going home but at the same time it's something that we talk about in an abstract way. There are moments when we stop and express how much we'll miss each other but mostly I think we're all trying to pretend that we don't live so far from one another and that there isn't a large amount of uncertainty hanging over the idea of seeing each other again.

This is What Procrastination Looks Like

I apologize for the grainy pictures. I don't know why it's showing up like that.

Three Posts in One Day?

Yea, that's right children. Although technically it's no longer June 6 for me so it's a brand new day, which calls for a new post I'd say. I've been slacking off and for that I apologize.

So to make up for my awful tardiness, here is a video of the street performers in Rome that I mentioned in the Italian Adventures: Rome post.
*EDIT* The street performers are called Los Chatos and you can find them at www.loschatos.net



And as a bonus, here's the footage from the Birdcage, that lovely drag show event I went to in Manchester.

Sometimes It Feels Like Worry Is My Only Friend

I've been going through an interesting time here the past few days. I have my last exam on Wednesday and I have to write an essay for my Shakespeare class (which drives me slightly crazy because we asked if we had to do one and my professor said no, an answer that changed the moment I finished my exam. The department said I had to do it. Lame). I've been having a few issues with money and all of my friends (Danielle and Alyssa) are away traveling. My lovely Canadian friend Marisa is still here but she needs to study. She's been awesome, encouraging me to study because I need to as well but let's be honest, I'm terrible when it comes to actually doing work.

So today, after studying with Marisa at the library for a while, I came back to my flat and made myself some food. I basically have rice and pasta left. I've been eating pasta like it was going out of style. I had pasta and gravy last night. Yea, pasta and gravy. It's not as bad as it sounds....or maybe it is. Anyway, I'm lonely. That's the long and short of that. I think I'm really ready to go home. I don't know. It's weird. It's like the same feeling I had the few weeks before I left for England. I'm anxious. It's like this is winding down and it's time to start something new again. I'm going home after six months of being gone. I envisioned myself hugging my nieces and my mom earlier today when I was walking down the corridor to my room.

To help procrastinate, I started to put all the souvenirs I got for people together. That prompted the desire to pack them. As in pack them in a suitcase. So I got my small suitcase out and I packed it with stuff that I don't really use anymore: my winter coat, a blanket, and most of my scarves. It's crazy how many scarves I've brought. And yes, I used them all at least once. The best part about the packing though is that the souvenirs that were meant to be packed away weren't. I felt like I might break them.

The point is I spent a small part of my day thinking about packing and fantasizing that I was home. I cried and looked at pictures of my nieces and my family. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to wish my time away here. I don't know the next time I'll be in England, if ever, again. I have said before, something which I know is true because I can just feel it, that things don't seem impossible anymore. I know I can live out here for a length of time and I even talked to Alyssa about moving out here and working at a hostel with her while I go to pastry school. I can say those plans out loud and they don't seem crazy or laughable. Those are actual things I can do.

I am looking forward to being home. The weather here has been better but it's nothing like home. I'm looking forward to shorts and tank tops. I'm looking forward to snuggling my cats. I'm looking forward to spending time with my family.