Mexicans Are Cooler Than You Think

So I'm in Mexico right now. Which is weird for me because it kind of feels like somewhere I've been before. It's hot like Santa Cruz but cramped like Rome. Some how the windows don't need glass, just decorative wrought iron and occasionally wooden shutters. There are four cats who live here and hummingbirds who visit often. This particular home has four levels: the apartment downstairs where my mom and I will be staying, the main level with the living room and kitchen, the upstairs with our hosts' bedroom, and a rooftop garden that boasts a view of the ocean.
It's very lovely to say the least but I'm still a little concerned about roaming about on our own later on. Only because of my language barrier. While I can understand the gist of many conversations, being an active participant is wishful thinking. But my momma should have the language situation covered so I'm not completely concerned.
I have some fun stories about the plane ride over but that will have to wait for another post. For now I'm going back to sipping iced tea with my new cat friend and listening to the wacky birds.

My Faith Is Greater Than My Fear

...at least I'm working on it.

It's Sunday. Only a little after 1pm and I feel like I've done a million things already. I woke up at 7:45am to get ready for church. I was supposed to introduce a girl to Woodcrest. My very good friend knows that I go to Woodcrest so gave my number to a brand new freshman who was considering trying my church out but she did not have a way to get there. I was very excited to have the opportunity to meet this girl and show her around church. We planned it so that I would be at her dorm by 8:30 so we could have time before the service began to look around.

Unfortunately, things did not exactly go according to plan. She overslept. I only waited for about 5 minutes at her place. I figured I had time to go check on my friend's bunny (I'm bunny sitting for the weekend) while this girl was getting ready...if she had woken up by my phone call. But...she didn't. Which really was ok. Like I said, I had time to check on the bunny and even get a free muffin from Panara. I got to church with enough time to buy a book I need for a class I'm taking (more on that soon) and I sat with friends. It was a good service.

On my way home I stopped at the store to get a few essentials. My sister is coming to Columbia today with my nieces and my nephew. I wanted to be sure to have things to make impromptu grilled cheese sandwiches and I needed milk for my nephew. The weather is quite lovely today so it was joyful driving with my windows down. I came home, cleaned up my kitchen and took my recycling out. Only then did the morning turn lengthy. My car decided it didn't want to start. Luckily I was only down the street from my house and an auto parts store. I was blessed enough that the new battery did not cost a lot of money but even more so, the workers at Oreilly's came and helped put the battery in for me (which was amazing because I'm pretty sure they don't do that ever--the guy who took me and the battery to my car told me so). They even checked out the alternator to make sure that the battery was really the problem.

The thing about it is I was all very calm during the whole process. Actually I was kind of angry because I literally just got my car fixed and inspected. I don't remember actually praying to God while I was walking back and forth from my car but I did pray this morning that everything go alright today (along with some other specific blessing requests for Ashley and that girl who was supposed to go to church with me). I don't think I can really say that I was calm because I had the conscious thought that God would help me out but I do think that He had a hand in how smoothly that whole car debacle went. Especially in the generosity in the Orielly worker's hearts for taking the time to help me out.

It just makes me think about what Piet said during the service today. That, in the beginning of going to a church, everything felt like it was happening just for me; the sermons were written with me in mind, the people reached out to me, there was a place in classes for me. Now I wouldn't say that I am necessarily past the "new" phase at Woodcrest but I have been feeling, just as Piet said, a desire to go deeper. To participate and connect and help others grow. I think that's part of the reason why I'm so excited about introducing this new girl to Woodcrest. I want her experience to be a positive one just like mine has been. I would take her every week that I went to church if she wanted.

I'm trying to put all my trust in God to help me when I need it. I think a big part of that is to realize that when things "magically go right" in a day, like my car battery situation, it's not just good fortune. It's God.

In an effort to become a bigger part of the church and to grow in my relationship with God, I am taking two classes this fall semester at church. I'm looking forward to them both because they should be pretty eye opening. One of my goals is to embrace the material that I'm being taught so I can actually absorb it.

I'm taking Faith Connections: Confident Heart and Recovery:Making Peace With Your Past. I'm both excited and nervous about these classes. I think the faith connections class will help me with my anxiety issues. One of the things that was mentioned was that when I'm scared or anxious, it shows that I don't trust God. That was almost like a low blow in a way. It certainly made an impact on me.

I'm mostly nervous about the recovery class. I still don't exactly know what I'm trying to "recover" from. I also think that I'm potentially opening up a can of worms by looking at my past. Obviously all of my "issues" will have some kind of root in my past and I guess that's the biggest fear. What if I find something out that I can't handle? But there again, I think the faith connections class with help. I have to trust that God will only reveal the things I am ready to work through. I do think that I'll have a positive experience but I do think that it will challenge me. But when I look back at my favorite classes, that's exactly what they did: they challenged me to learn.

So like I said, I'm working so that my faith is greater than my fear. Because I am so tired of being afraid and anxious.

What Do You Wear to a Baptism?

That is honestly the one thing I was really worried about after I made the decision to be baptized. It seems like a silly thing really but when I thought about what people usually wear I remembered that most baptism are done with babies and they're not completely immersed in water. They're also wearing white.

Ok..so white..I can wear white. But wait, the water makes white see through...hm.

For two days I considered all my clothes and figured a swimsuit would be the most practical. But it's funny. I'm all set to wear my swimsuits to the pools and only feel uncomfortable if a really skinny girl is also swimming. When I thought about wearing my swim suit to the baptism, it just didn't feel right. Mostly because think of all the skin I'd be showing. But I found some board shorts that matched my swim suit perfectly (thank you Old Navy and your clearance rack).

After the clothes situation was settled, I only worried about getting there on time. And making sure my family got there. Then I was like stage fright worried. I kept asking JP what number they were on because I was number 20 and I didn't want to mess up (though how do you mess up baptism really? Unless you say no when they ask you if you're ready to accept the Lord as your savior, I guess). I was weird and nervous. On number 19, the girl's story was so touching that I felt trouble holding in all my feelings. She had "crossed the line" when she was arrested for shoplifting and was in a holding cell with a bum who killed another bum. She started crying and it was all I could do to keep my own tears from falling.

I don't have such a dramatic crossing the line story. But I do understand what it means to finally be done with one way of life and ready to start another one with God.

When it was finally my turn, I felt self conscious going into the pool There were so many people there! Everyone was so happy and excited; it was overwhelming. I had a really hard time remaining in the moment as they read my (abbreviated) answers. I saw people that I knew in the crowd, nodding with encouragement, smiling at me. I couldn't really look at Niki or JP (though they were right on each side of me, a Genochio sandwich with Harris bread) only because I knew that I would become too emotional and I didn't really want to cry. It's funny to me in way. I was so jittery before I got in the water but, aside from feeling self conscious at first, it was very calming. I think it was because of all the smiling and supportive faces staring back at me. And of course the cheering afterward.

I feel so blessed there are not enough words to describe it. Not only to have Niki and JP baptize me, but to have my close friends from school and work and my family witnessing this moment....I can't even say. I knew that my family would be happy for me but I didn't really think they'd all be able to come. It's not so far to drive but with all the kids (my 6 year old nieces and my 18 month old nephew came) I know things can be a little tricky and overwhelming. I'm so happy they were here.

Everyone has asked me why I have chosen to be baptized. My answer, in the longest form, is the answer to the second question down below. But I don't really have a concise response. I feel like it's kind of been a long time coming. I have been moving toward this moment for a while it seems. The thing that made me realize it was at church on Sunday. I was praying to God about helping relieve my anxiety (strangely it was the first time I've every actually prayed this prayer) and I just felt someone, not me though it was my voice, telling me "You should be a part of the baptism." I was taken aback. Confused and unsettled at first. Wait, are you telling me this for real? Am I crazy? Am I wrong? But it was the very first time I have ever felt God speaking to me. It was like I could either ask Piet about baptism and have faith that this is what God wants for me, or I could do what I always do and brush off the strong feeling I had in my chest.

I've never known how to respond or what to think about the people that say that God has "called them" to do something. What does that even mean? I would think. But now I know. Don't get me wrong, I still have lots of questions but I feel like I have found the place to finally work on the answers. And to work on them with God and in God's community.

So here are my answers to the two questions Woodcrest posed on the baptism registration. They did not read the full answer to the second question. I think they did a very good job abbreviating it (though my mom said she thought I had the longest answers)

How did I come to know about God?
I was raised in a family that believed in God. I was baptized as a baby and made my first Holy Communion around 5 years old. Church was an infrequent boredom growing up. I have always felt that I was "Christ follower" but I really took for granted what that actually meant. It was almost like some kind of a fact I knew but didn't necessarily have faith in (but perhaps only because I didn't really understand what faith was). In January of 2011, I came to Woodcrest to see my friend Niki Harris sing with the church band. I had just moved out of the Harris household where I had been living for the past six months. At first I thought going to church would just be a guaranteed way to see the Harris' every week. After that first service, I felt like coming to Woodcrest was something more than just seeing friends. I felt so good that it was a natural inclination to return every week. If I missed a Sunday, I felt different, offbeat in a way. I have come to realize that it was the connection with God and Woodcrest members that made that good feeling bloom.

What made me "cross the line" and decide to be baptized?
Baptism had been brought up several months ago in a service. In my memory it was almost an offhand sort of reference to whatever the sermon was about. I remember Piet speaking about it as a beginning, as a promise to make a conscious effort to follow Christ's teachings about grace and love. I believe this mention planted the seed in my mind. Months later, I attended a Welcome to Woodcrest service where a church member asked if I knew what baptism was. I immediately brushed it off with a "Oh yea. I've already been baptized...duh" sort of response. She calmly explained that Woodcrest believes that baptism is a choice made as an adult; a conscious decision that a baby can't really make for itself. This conversation unsettled me in a way and I began to examine my response. What difference could it make if I get baptized as an adult? I have since tried to become more connected in the church and took the summer recovery course. During my last Recovery class, one of the other members, Norma, invited us all to baptism because she had made the decision to be baptized. I felt happy for her and felt a tug in my heart that I should do more than just watch. During this past service when Piet invited us to spend 3 minutes to give ourselves over to the Lord, to really try to experience a moment with God, I prayed that God grant me the ability to let go of my anxiety about going to baptism. I felt another tug at my heart, urging me to be a participant. It was the first time I have ever felt God speaking directly to me. It was like He said "What are you waiting for?" I didn't have an answer other than to think about my anxiety about what other people would think. It felt like God was reaching His hand out to me. All I have to do is take it. Speaking to Piet about being baptized and clasping his hands in prayer was like taking God's offered hand. It's the first real step in changing my life in all the ways I have been moving toward since January when I first walked into Woodcrest. I want to feel God speaking directly to me again and again, to lay my fears and all my anxiety (which I have a lot of) at His feet and feel love in return. I feel that this baptism is my conscious choice, my leap of faith, to make my life about something more than just right now.

Some Things I've Done

I uploaded some pictures on Google+. They are of fun things I've done in my life. Mostly the past few years. As I was looking through my pictures, I realized that I've done some amazing things.

Now I'm not trying to toot my own horn by any means. Mostly I thought about all the fund stuff I did so far and then I thought about who was with me. Why was it amazing? I saw some pretty inspiring things in Europe. I met my best friend there. I spent time with my brother and we talked about God and travel and adventure. I saw some great bands with my brother and sister. We have since made more plans to do more things together, like we used to back when we didn't live in different cities or have children to support. When it was just a little bit easier to hang out.

I feel good about my life. I started reading Eat, Pray, Love and a part of me feels like there is this huge pressure to get something more than just the pleasure of reading out of the story. I do understand what she says and means. No, I've never been crushingly depressed but I do understand what traveling to get away from things feels like and I have been to some of the same places in Rome. It makes me think about how I want to spend the rest of my life.

I haven't forgotten or necessarily given up on my dream to be a writer. I have often wondered what it would be like to live, to some degree, like she does. Writing as I travel the world. I suppose more accurately, writing as I go to the three countries I really want to go to.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I think too linearly. Life really isn't like that, is it?

Sitting on Babies

So it's late-ish on a Saturday night. I'm hanging out at a lovely home in my old neighborhood, babysitting. The kids are all asleep and, because I cannot figure out the TV situation, I am sitting a very quiet, basically dark living room. Thankfully I have figured out how to turn on a lamp. I swear I'm a college graduate; it's just hard to figure out simple things in new environments. Specifically homes of friends with really nice things.

I only really watched the kids for about two hours. I had fun, even though I did get hit in the eye with a rubber bracelet. An accident of course but it still stings and it happened over an hour ago. It took me back to playing with my brother when I was a kid. I took a rubber band to the eye once. They're really good kids and, lucky for me, didn't take long to warm up to me. I hope they remember me because I actually wouldn't mind just hanging out with them on a regular basis. These boys are a little gross and kind of rough, but they're also really sweet and extraordinarily smart. I'd really like to do some kind of fun craft with them. I'd want to bring something really fun and creative to the table...but I'm not sure what that would be for a boy. I know what my nieces like to do, but they're girls and considerably younger (I think).

Now that I'm older and babysitting doesn't happen as often, sometimes I feel a little out of my element. I guess in a way it's easy to be goofy, like I was when I was a kid. But I'm also a little self conscious and unsure about little boys. I only hang out with my nieces. They're mostly girly with the occassional tom boy activity.

I guess bottom line kids are just kids. They're really not too difficult.

What the Twitter?

I feel like there are a ridiculous amount of things in my life that are pushing me toward getting a Twitter account. Without a Twitter account, I have not been able to express my love for the Voice or ask the contestants questions directly (not that I would really do that but still). I am apparently missing a whole world of things that happen on Timbers. I just thought about commenting on a friend's wordpress blog and it was like "hey you can comment...if you had a Twitter!" (among other things but that one really stood out to me).

I just recently committed myself to being anti-Twitter for as long as possible. But apparently that isn't meant to be very long.

I mean honestly, today I wanted to tell all the folks on Timbers about how "JP and the Tough Choices" are going to be playing at Mojos and are standing up to the injustice of "quintessentially American music." If I had gchat, I would have been able to do that just fine. But I do not any longer. The lack of internet in places that are not public and/or my job has meant no more gchat, or at least not really enough of it to count. So instead I sent an email (how archaic) to one person. Though in reality I could have sent a mass email just as easily (I mean, I have to have everyone's gmail address to have them on gchat).

I have promised that I would join the world of Twitter once I have a mobile device that will allow me to be on the interwebs in my home without actually having interwebs. So sometime in August.

Seriously though, I do have some qualms with Twitter. Albeit irrationally, I have an issue with the the posts being called "tweets." I have no real idea why it bothers me but it does. Also, I just heard about a way to pantomime the # for a tweet. When I saw it, I immediately wanted to punch the creator in the throat. Why? Who knows. It's not like I dislike it because it's pretentious or quirky. We all know I love being pretentious and I'm a snob.

I don't know. I guess I feel a certain pride that I am no longer addicted to social media like Facebook and I don't want to get sucked in to Twitter.

Summer in the City

Though can we call Columbia "the City"? I guess I should but it's certainly not the same kind of city as San Francisco or even Kansas City.

Hello my friends. My long absence has come to a close. I'm sitting on a chair backwards at Jess's house. It's not uncomfortable hot anymore. I was sweating earlier as I drank hot coffee but now I'm doing better, with my jeans rolled up and a fan roaring near me. Everyone seems to be napping right now. Except the cicadas (what an interesting thought; can you imagine a day when in the middle of the afternoon, all the cicadas chatter stopped as they took a siesta?).

I do not nap. Even when I'm sleepy, I'm always nervous that my day will be shot by that glorious thought of a mid-afternoon nap. Like it would make me feel lazy for the rest of the day. If I were really honest, I feel lazy all day anyway so a nap can't be that hazardous.

I don't really have anything to say right now. I just thought it would be a good time to pop in to my blog. Write a few things down and scurry on my way. I miss writing. I miss being creative. I miss making things with my hands. I don't know why I don't just make things at my apartment. I guess it just seems harder when you have two curious cats and fur flying around like pollen on a spring day.


I guess I just dropped in to say that I feel good. Don't get me wrong; there are lots of things that need to be addressed in my personal life to make me feel like I'll be doing any long lasting feeling good but today I just feel good. It seems inexplicable almost. I went to church, got some groceries, had lunch with friends. It's a beautiful day outside. I guess that's enough for a Sunday in June.

So...I'm a Liar

If you haven't already gathered this, you must not be paying attention: I am not that good at timely blogging. In my defense, I do not have internet at my home so it's a little tricky logging on here to blog.

As such I have a lot to update on. And given the time and my current lifestyle, it will be given in easy to read bullets (meaning it's getting late and due to the lack of internet I am at a friend's so I need to hurry up so I can finish this and get home to bed).

1) I got a new job.
I was hired on at Shelter Insurance as a Return Payment Processor. Basically, if someone's payment is denied by their bank, I get to cancel their policy (provided the state law and specific circumstance require a cancellation to take place). I cannot tell you how much I really, really like my job. I've only been there for a month and some change so I can't really jump to "love" yet but gosh dang I'm real close. Everyone has been so incredibly nice and welcoming. It's crazy to me how comfortable I am there. How it doesn't really feel like a stretch to say that I could work for this company for the rest of my life. I actually had a dream a few weeks ago (yes, weeks ago) about coming into work (after finding a husband of course) and telling everyone that I was going to have a baby. And they all congratulated me and threw me a baby shower. That dream freaked me out a little for two reasons: 1) why am I thinking about having babies? 2)a few weeks in and I'm already thinking about these people like close friends/family. I think it's great, don't get me wrong, it's just all so...grown up. I don't know how to express that sentiment without feeling like a nerd but seriously. I just graduated college...I didn't really expect to find something like this so soon. I'm so incredibly glad that I did but it's just unexpected.

2)I'm making real adult plans.
This just means that I'm considering buying a new car and I'm starting to get serious about paying my student loans off. I work for an insurance company so I'm constantly thinking about insurance. I have life and health insurance through my job. I"m about to switch my renter's insurance to Shelter and I"m going to get my very own auto insurance (my mom has been generously paying for it while I've been in college....well basically the entire time I've been driving. She said it's the least she could do since she couldn't help me pay for college, a sentiment I've never fully understood because she gave me life, the least I could do was pay for some of the cost required for my future) I'm also considering buying a bike (which is the real first consideration, prior to new car) because my job is literally right next to my home. I can save on gas money if I just stopped being so damn lazy.

3)My friends are graduating.
This is both exciting and kind of depressing. I'm totally excited for my friends to be done with college. I remember what those last few days were like. It was like the final push to this thing that seemed at times would never end. But there it was, the end of going to class, the end of homework, the end of papers. It was exciting. It was terrifying (but that feeling really only manifested itself two months later when my Portland plans totally started falling apart). It's depressing because some of my friends are moving away. My best friend is moving back to Chicago and then to grad school in Michigan. I'm so happy for her to be going on to do bigger and better things with her degree (because my degree is really just a title, like the Queen of England, move of a figurehead than anything else...couldn't even tell you where my actual physical diploma is right now...) but I'm also sad because I really couldn't say when I'll see her next. At the same time I know that it's not in my nature to walk away from my very good friends. I still make an effort to see Danielle and she lives in Florida.
Alas, it is still a nice time to be in Columbia. Graduation almost always makes my heart swell and my eyes well with tears; it's an inspiring time when the whole world seems open with possibilities.

So yea...that's all I've got for now. I'm tired and I've got work tomorrow. Happy Cinco de Mayo. Celebrate. Be Mexican.

I'm a Blogger, I Swear

I know I know, we've been here before. I don't mean for months at a time to go before I update. It's just, well, life gets in the way. It always has a way of doing that yes?

So I'm currently at the library. One of my favorite places actually. Things are not musty in here like the University library and usually there is enough room for me. The exception of course is during finals week when everyone seems to remember that there are places like libraries to go. But I digress. I love being surrounded by books. They make me happy.

So lately I've been stressed out. I can just feel the tension in my shoulders, especially after the bowling out my parking space (I don't have a shovel so I used a bowl to dig my car out). Then there's the whole job thing, which hasn't really changed. My supervisor's are "working on the paperwork" but those words are really kind of hollow to me.

I have met the minimum requirements for four jobs I applied for so I have hope there. Today at church I filled out a connection card and asked for Woodcrest to pray for me regarding this job situation. Like I said on my card, I'm trying to trust in God but I'm scared. And that is the one thing I feel in my belly every time I think about the future. Not even the distant future. I mean in two weeks, that future. I know this is happening for a reason...well I guess I should say that I trust in God that much. I just don't know how far and how deep these "hard times" will go. That's the scary part. The reason I chose to live alone is because I thought I could handle the test. But living alone AND being jobless...well the combination might be too big of a test.

I'm 23. I just wanted to prove to myself that I am not a part of that trend, you know the one: college students going home to momma to loaf about for a while. I'm not much for loafing. Well I mean, I actually love doing nothing but for like a day. Of course it's easier to go home to your parents. It would have been nice to be with my family and help with my nieces and nephew. But I would have been disappointed. Ever since freshmen year, I have said to myself (and I even told my mom when I left for college) "this is the last time I will live at my mom's house." I may not know exactly what I will be doing for the rest of my life but I know that I want it to be a forward progression. Moving home just seemed like a giant leap backward. When I was 21 and stayed out until 5 in the morning during break (something I did occasionally at my own apartment at school) my mom flipped out. Totally gave me the sternest and most rude conversation of my life. She attacked my friends, the people I associate with, my judgment, the whole thing. I was 21. I was an adult, had been living on my own for two years. We had never had a conversation like that before, not when it is traditionally given (I'm assuming in high school) because I understand what's right and wrong and how to handle myself-my mother taught me that. I really couldn't handle that kind of thing happening again especially now at the age that I am. And it's likely that it would.

So yes, I chose this path which means I chose this uncertainty and fear. But I am trying to remind myself everyday, every minute, that I am not alone. That I have God, I have friends, I have my family that will help me, make it so I won't fail (even if that failure is only in my eyes).

Surprise!

I'm currently sitting at the Starbucks on West Broadway. I am sitting in the only open seat that was not attached to a table occupied by one student diligently studying for the semester already. The seat is a chaise lounge which I have spied on previous occasions but never had the opportunity to sit in. If you think about it, having a chaise lounge is a really strange chair to have at this establishment. I mean, this really isn't the place for lounging in a sexy barely there dress with pouting lips and sexy tousled-as-if-this-were-a-bed hair, which are all things I automatically think of when I think "chaise lounge."

Either way, I am sitting on it. Ironically (?) I am wearing a dress and I curled my hair. My dress is all there; my leggings and boots cover my entire leg and I am wearing a sweater. My curls have pretty much deflated too. I do not feel sexy in any way. Probably because I'm too stressed out to really have any feeling beyond anxiety. I actually feel at angles with this Starbucks. Almost like I'm being sucked down and backwards, folding up from the middle. It's a weird feeling and I'm having trouble grounding myself in this moment with a foot on the floor. If it works for drunks, eh?

I digress.

So it's been ages since I've blogged (we've been here before, yes?). I have moved into my very own apartment and I now live with my two cats Max and Susie in a one bedroom number off a main drag in Columbia.

It's also a new year. I've only been in this apartment for a full week and few days. The reason I'm stressed out is because I might not have a job in three weeks. The VA has kind of fooked me big time. They've extended my position for 30 days, starting last week. They're trying to get this position opened up so I can apply for it before I leave. But honestly. There's no guarantee really, even though I've been told for days and days that I am "the one they want" but that's not necessarily reassuring anymore. So I'm doing the whole resume and application schtick.

More than that, I also feel lonely. I live alone with two cats. I miss Niki and JP. I miss seeing them (sometimes anyway) in the morning for a brief moment before leaving for work. I miss coming home and, after only a few moments in solitude, being able to make dinner or watch them make dinner before retiring to my room to watch tv or something. It's strange because if I really think about it I did spend a lot of time "alone" on Timbers. But it's completely different. I could always just walk downstairs and join the fireside chat or the watch party for How I Met Your Mother.

Since it's been so snowy in Columbia, I haven't even been able to just "drop by" (though I'd never do that. I mean, yes I have a key but it's way uncool to come by unannounced).

I was playing a little game earlier, alone while I watched The Usual Suspects on my laptop. Where would I be without Niki and JP?

1)I would have totally gone crazy and not graduated college. Seriously, without Niki, Reid's help would have been like throwing a stick into a river when the point is to make a dam (Translation for that weak metaphor: it would have been useless).

2) I would be locked into a lease at the 305. Now since I've decided I'm not moving to Portland, I guess that wouldn't have been the end of the world but honestly, had I decided to leave? I would have been boned. And cold with the erratic heat of Dumas. Not to mention I'm certain I would have fallen at least once, if not multiple times on the shoddily shoveled sidewalks/stairs of the complex. Seriously, think of the medical bills.

3) I would have never met and gotten to know the glorious residents of Timbers. The Van Dykes and Creachs have seriously helped me out of multiple jams, easing my transition to living alone tremendously. I'm pretty sure I'd only have two chairs and two plates if not for them.

4) I would have murdered someone by now. This also goes along with number 1. I would have a very small amount of sanity in me causing me to go off the deep end more than the few times I have already because of stupid things that always seem like mountains at the time.

5) I can distinguish the "truth" from the fiction and, even though it doesn't always help me from feeling bad or from feeling like I should do more, at least I know that what I'm feeling isn't because someone hates me or thinks I need to stop whining.

6) I wouldn't know about church and how it can make me feel better about myself just by going (this is something I've only just realized. I've gone to church for two weeks in a row. I missed today and I genuinely feel like I've missed out on something very important).

7) I know it's ok to ask for help. I guess I've known that for a while but I didn't feel like I was being needy for asking at 801.

8) I wouldn't know very much about the geography of Columbia beyond the downtown area. For real. Before I moved my life pretty much consisted of the 15 by 15 block square of campus and downtown.

The point is I'm 100% certain that I would have a very different future if I hadn't had the time I've had with Niki and JP. Living with them was fun, a learning experience, a loving experience. I've never seen so many dinner parties in one space in my life. Which was cool because it kind of put me out of my comfort zone. As we all know being uncomfortable is one of the few times anyone can really change or learn something new.

To end this belated post, I just need to say this: I really hope you meet someone who can really change your life for the better. I've been blessed enough to find two people who changed me, carried me when I felt I couldn't walk, nursed me back to health when I had too much "fun", taught me true, selfless generosity from their hearts.

The French Aren't All Bad

I don't really have anything extra special to blog about today. I just figured it's been a while and I'm not doing anything else so why not?

I've been doing a lot of Christmas shopping and lazing about these past few days. I've been enjoying the drink a bit too much and I have been listening to French music, at least in a round about sort of way. If you know me, you might know that I'm not a huge fan of the French in general, without real reason or cause. But really, some of the French music isn't terrible. I like it. Hey, the French can't get it all wrong.

I watched an interview of Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Youtube. It was excessively adorable and a bit strange. But it was an interview with Nylon magazine, which I think it kind of a strange publication; though in all honesty I have yet to read it. Either way, back to Mr. Gordon-Levitt. You might remember him as a shaggy haired teenager on 3rd Rock from the Sun or as the suave slicked back dreamer in Inception. I'll admit he caught my attention fully after Inception though I did enjoy his performance in 500 Days of Summer with Zooey Deschanel, a woman I love and hate at the same time. All that aside, in that interview with Nylon, Joseph mentioned that he likes women who speak French. Unfortunately I will never be one of those women. Not just because of my aforementioned distaste for French things. Languages are hard. I believe I should master Spanish, a language that people just assume I know because I happen to have more melanin than others, before I pick up any other languages.

All this got me to thinking, what kind of a woman do I want to be? I mean, I have already realized that I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up (which scarily is sort of right now, sort of not), but I have been thinking about what kind of lifestyle I want to have. I figure if I can manage that task first, in theory, I should be able to work from there to find a job that will allow me to live as I want to. But then again, this is all speculation. As is much of what comes out of my mouth and head.

Either way, I want to be a stylish, though not necessarily trendy, woman. I want to have good taste, in all things. I want to be knowledgeable of lots of things and passionate about a select few. I want to own clever things that are functional and aesthetically pleasing. I want to be able to create clever, functional things. I want to be able to give of myself freely, both in time and spirit.

I want to fall in love with a man who will love me despite the fact that I will be neurotic for all time, no matter how much I try to improve myself. I want to be the kind of woman that attracts a man that will happily surprise me. Someone who can handle my crazies but knows that I'm not really crazy, who will accept that I will almost always drop anything and everything I'm doing to go to the aid of my family. Someone who sees that as a virtue and not some annoying fault to correct or put up with. I want to fall in love with someone that I can just look at and know, not guess or hope but know, that being married to him will make my life better from that moment on.

So yea... I don't know how to be this person I imagine in my head. But I guess I can thank Joseph Gordon-Levitt for making me at least think about it.

More than Words

I have been listening to The Avett Brothers a lot lately. Their song "Paranoia in B Major" has kind of resonated with me these past few weeks. So here are the lyrics (I've bolded and italicized the parts that speak to me the most):

I keep tellin’ myself that it’ll be fine
You can’t make everybody happy all of the time.
I found myself in a place that I've never been;
A place that I thought that I would never be.
There’s people looking back at me

I keep having this dream: I’m at a party
There’s people throwing drinks and screaming, telling me that I don’t belong.
Lately life’s been the same; I find this comfortable place
With all my friends and then my friends start telling me that I’ve always been wrong
And I’m so tired of being wrong

There was a time I could move, there was a time I could breathe.
The crowded spaces filled with angry faces,
It didn’t once cross my mind.
With paranoia on my heels, will you love me still
when we awake and you find that the sanity has gone from my eyes?

I got secrets from you, you got secrets from me
Because you’re so worried about what I’m gonna think.
Baby I’m worried too.
But if love is a game, girl, then you’re gonna win.
I’ll spend the rest of my life bringing victory in
If you want me to.


Deer Tick's song "Art Isn't Real (City of Sin)" has also resonated with me.

I am the dotted line,
And you fill me in with whatever you like.
I am just going through the motions.
I need an old fashioned potion.
There has gotta be some old recipe.
'Cuz I gotta get drunk,
I gotta forget about somethings.

I lived in lies all my life,
And I've been living here for a long, long time,
And I know its been coming down a while now,
When it shows, then you get me on the dial,
But right now you're half way around the world,
Maybe I'll see better days, but I'm not so sure I will.
I'm still hanging round and round.
Sometimes it's a racket, but lately not a sound.
In the bowels of history and time,
I have learned to stay back and never shine.
Now I feel stupid when I smile.
For not a journey, a circus are our lives.

I can't make up for everything I waste,
And I know that I could never afford a taste,
Of anything that your lovely hands make,
It eats away before the soul brake.
Just because it brings a smile to my face,
such a bad memory, you just can't erase.

I know of a City to steal from,
And I know of a City to cheat on,
And I know of a City of Sin,
And that's the place I wanna meet you in,
And say hello all over again,
Romance me and take it back to the beginning.

Both songs speak to me because I have really felt lost these past few months. I'm not one for wafting around and pretending that I wanted to go to art school when pastry school didn't pan out made me slightly crazy. I guess I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready for art school and I'm pretty sure it's something that I'll never do. I just don't take it seriously. I mean, art is for me. Not for anyone else. Definitely not for someone else to judge (even though that's part of the viewing process). Maybe one day I'll be ready for that but it's not today.

Once I stopped ignoring the fact that I didn't feel like AI Portland was a place I could see myself taking classes in, I really didn't want to admit that I don't know anything, especially what I'm good at. I also didn't really want to come to terms with the fact that I won't love or want to keep the first job I have post college. I'm 23; there's time to figure out what I'm good at. I guess I'm not really that good at being uncomfortable and I have already had a few jobs that have made me wish my car broke down on the way in so I wouldn't have to go (despite the obvious headache that would accompany a broken car). I hated every minute of it and I don't exactly want to go back to that (but honestly, who would? Still people do it every day and for years!)

I guess it all goes back to the idea that I want to be the exception to the rule, not the rule itself. I wanted to be the one person that found out what they wanted to do with their life right out of college and, on top of that, found a good job (that paid well!) and actually was hiring. But no, that's not me and I'm certain that person doesn't exist.

Maybe the problem is that I'm good at lots of things and now it's time to choose something to do and there are just too many options. That sounds like a high class problem.

It's ok to have multiple jobs in a lifetime. It's even ok to be discontent, as long as it isn't forever. I'm just scared that I'll be discontent for the rest of my life and not even realize it.

Here's to the Future

I hate spraying air freshener and, because I have to walk through it on the way out of the door, end up smelling like "Tahitian flowers" when I emerge from the bathroom.

I appreciate the fact that I might be one of the only people who ever thinks about this more than a fleeting moment but it's something I think about every time I spray air freshener, which mean every time I feel like being kind after I poop.

I am currently sitting at the Columbia public library, listening to La Roux's "Bullet Proof." This song makes me think of England because La Roux always played at Sugarhouse and one of the girls definitely played at least one La Roux song every time they went out (read: every night of the week).

I have no idea where that intro thought came from; in all honesty I started writing this post about two weeks ago and that's where I started. Since then I have decided a few things. Most importantly: I am going to stay in Columbia and pay off my loans at a VA job. Well I just found out today that I do not qualify for the one job I am basically a shoe in for. Sigh. Such is life. On the upside, I have found at least five other jobs that I can apply for. Not to mention one other job at the VA. Of course the five other jobs are open right now. Not in three months like I want. But yea...I'm working on it. That said, I just turned in my deposit and application for an apartment. So I guess that part is covered. Unless of course I get turned down, which is entirely possible though unlikely.

I am suddenly freezing in here.

There is a heap of things that I'm meant to be doing. Most specifically, my art project because yes, I am still taking a class. I'd be a professional student but I'm actually ok with not going to class all the time or having homework. I mean I guess I do have that but it's entirely up to me at this point to do more work. I have finished one print (something that Chris said was flawless-shocking to me too) which really was the only thing I had to do for the class. That being said, I'd really like to make several more. I have ideas, but then again I don't really.

I hate Google Instant.


I feel excited about the future. I guess I'm excited about living on my own with my cats. I don't exactly want to work every day (or take classes for that matter) and I think it will be a challenge. I sometimes worry about how I'm going to make money but then I remember that I don't exactly have to love my job. I just need one. I can do that.

Working...?

Strangely, while I'm working I always think about things and get ideas for print or life issues get sorted/tangled. I think it's funny in a way. I mean I'm meant to be thinking about the task at hand but what I do is often repetetive and mundane so my mind has a chance and the ability to wander onto almost anything.

Time for a piece of truth:
I'm afraid to go to pastry school or art school because I'm pretty sure that I'm not really good at either thing. I'm scared of failing. Going to art school means I have to embrace art in a way I've never done before and I don't know how to. I'm scared that I'll continue to treat it as a hobby where everyone else treats it as life.
The honest truth is that I dont know what I want to do in my life and I'm pretty sure I'm not really good anything. Except maybe those mindless tasks I complete daily (if completion equals good).

Sidenote: (An update on the independently wealthy scheme) My roommate JP gave me some sound advice regarding marrying a wealthy man: Stop hanging out with artists.

I'll Let You Think That I'm Yours When I'm Not

So a lot has happened in the past week. Upon returning to work, I was greeted with an email of epic proportions: I needed to hand in the proof that I am a student. Well, no problem I thought. Just get that acceptance from AI Portland. Done.

...

Right, except AI Portland didn't listen to me and I was accepted for fall. Hm...how do I explain that to work? I know it says fall but classes don't actually start until January. Despite a phone call and an email requesting a phone call back or a fax with the correct info for work, Portland has yet to respond to me.

So I am a Mizzou student for one more semester. I am taking a one credit course with my amazing print teacher, the great Chris Daniggelis. It's an independent study print course and I am excited to be working again, both in print and at my actual job. I will spend the semester learning and pushing myself to make more and better things to strenghten my portfolio. Maybe I'll go to an art school in Portland.

I am still planning on moving to Portland. Whether I go to AI or somewhere else at this point is completely up in the air. But I'm glad for this time at Mizzou with Chris. I clearly need it.

School starts on Monday.

I'm Here for Liquor and Dessert

I'm 23 years old.

I've spent the last week at my mom's, watching my nieces. We have had fun. I love my nieces and I appreciate spending so much time with them.

That being said, I need to get the fuck out of here. Seriously. I can feel myself getting stuck here. Overspending (so much for the budget), wasting days doing nothing, not thinking about my future. I'm trapped in the same crap with my mom, arguing about nothing. My mom actually made me cry at dinner. My birthday dinner. It's stupid but true; she spent the entire dinner not talking to anyone. It was just me and my nieces. At 23, I cried. My feelings were hurt and I felt stupid.

She apologized the next day.

That said, my brother and sister are back in town tomorrow. I'll be out tomorrow night. Happy birthday me.

The Sweet Life

So I'm at home, my new home, and I'm spending time alone (for the first time) with JP, one of my new housemates. Now I'm certain I mentioned this before but I'll say it again but I can never remember how much of the running monologue that is my thoughts I actually write down. JP and Niki are married. I suppose I've known them both for a while now. Really I've known Niki for two years; I've known about JP's existence for just as long though I met him maybe a year ago. They are perfect together, at least in my eyes.

Now tonight is just as any other night except that I am spending time alone with JP for the first time. It's not weird, at least not entirely, which kind of surprised me at first. Let me clarify something before I go on; Niki is just out for a while. This little moment in time where it's just JP and I will really only last about two hours-and I am typing this in the middle of that time.

With that said, I have to spend this time writing this as I am thinking it right now. I do feel slightly cliched typing this but here goes: I am so lucky. Here are these amazing people who care about me something akin to the way my family does. Maybe only in a peripheral sense, but they do care about my well-being, care enough to take care of me and offer me a place in their home. To provide me with a launching off point for my future.

I have thought this multiple times in the past several months, but especially in the last two weeks. As I spend more time with them, I just have to smile at their quirks. I mean really, it's just who they are. They make dinner for each other. They sit and budget together. They ask about each other's day. And then they do (almost) all that for me too. Seriously?

So what's prompted this gooey I-love-my-friends post? I don't know. I guess I'm just weird.

JP and I started making dinner at the same time (he's making a shrimp dish-something I am suddenly allergic to, otherwise I'm certain I would have been asked to join). My food, as any other college kids dinners, took about 5 minutes to make and just as long to eat. As I ate and watched JP creepily (something I called the appropriate amount of attention to), he asked me questions, about my day, what I like in KC, normal stuff. I think it's interesting to think that we don't really know much about each other and yet I feel completely at ease with him. I think sometimes there's the feeling that the empty air in the room needs to be filled by talking but I like that I can have a (mostly) comfortable silence with him.

It's different with Niki. We have had those completely comfortable silences together to but she's a person I tell all my shenanigan tales to and she listens without judgment and mostly offers pieces of advice and support. I feel bad (often) because I feel like I don't do a very good job reciprocating those feelings but I am trying to be better at telling the people who matter how much they mean to me (well without coming across as weirdly out of no where or creepy as--which is why I haven't said anything to JP yet, I don't think we're to that point).

Either way, I feel like I am, just as I said, very lucky.

21 Randoms

If we're friends on facebook, you might remember my previous randoms list that occurred while I was in England. I liked it so I'm doing it again.

1. I bite my nails when I'm nervous or stressed out.
2. That being said, once I start, if there's a jagged edge, I can't stop.
3. I am trying to figure out a way to become independently wealthy.
4. I wish I was more talented at art.
5. I don't feel like I'm really good at anything.
6. I love the show Burn Notice because it's exciting and sort of romantic.
7. I loathe the fact that I just wrote "sort of romantic" and meant it.
8. I have an irrational dislike for Kiera Knightly. And Ashton Kutcher (as I've previously mentioned) and a host of other celebrities.
9. I feel like a "typical college grad" meaning I'm pretty sure I don't have any idea what I want to do now...
10. Outside the independently wealthy scheme, that is.
11. I'm afraid that I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
12. Part of me would be ok with that. The other part is certain I am missing out on a lot.
13. These randoms remind me of postsecret except they're not a secret because they're all from me and I told you that.
14. I like watching all the CSI shows. Vegas is the best, and Miami and New York follow nearly neck and neck. I haven't seen enough of New York to make an actual decision about it and Horatio's ridiculous ways are almost too much for me.
15. My favorite kind of photography is black and white with one random color.
16. I am attracted to older men. This is something I am just figuring out about myself.
17. I like beards.
18. Whenever I see a commercial for IHOP, I think about the time I went there with Jacquie and we had a great time, despite not really enjoying our food.
19. I think that KIA commercial with the hamsters is totally weird.
20. I hate packing my lunch for work. I guess I'm just lazy.
21. I'd like to go to New York.

Like Untangling a Knot

I'm moving out of my apartment. My beloved 305 will no longer be my own and this reality comes with some interesting issues.

The inevitable wave of sadness has yet to crash on me but I imagine myself weeping in front of my landlord as I handover my keys.

Removing all of my things has been the hardest thing. Difficult for practical reasons - I have spent pretty much my entire college career in this apartment and have accumulated a lot of things - and for emotional ones - after three years I find it strange to think of what is "mine." I have felt protective of the 305, annoyed when strangers puked on my floor and broke a dining room chair during various parties. I have felt dismayed by its old...well, everything. I have longed for air conditioning and proper heat. I tried to remind myself not to get attached; the 305 is not a permanent home. Despite all that, throughout my cleaning, I have found my roots, dusty under the clothes and clutter of my room.

It's easy to pack the things in my room; I know everything in there is mine. Out in the apartment, things get a little tricky. The bathroom rug, the doormat, various glasses, the coffee pot and toaster oven, things that have become permanent fixtures of everyday use...these things are mine too but I feel weird taking them. There is a sense of shared ownership and I'd almost rather leave them behind for my roommate (my best friend) out of convenience for her.

But with the reality of moving out comes the reality that I will be moving into a new place. I am moving in with my very good friend Niki and her husband JP. They have just bought their first house together and have found it in their hearts to welcome me into their new home. This is a temporary thing and it has always been understood to be temporary. They are being exceptionally generous in every possible way (giving me my own space, basically an entire level of the house-among other things). By having an expiration date, they are ultimately helping me out by forcing me to plan for Portland.

I am extremely excited about it. There will be the new roommate feeling out stage where little annoyances will be discovered, which I'm only slightly anxious for. Mostly I know that, while I may feel like I'm cramping their style, they are totally ok with me being there. After all Niki asked me about it in a manner that suggested moving in with them was the completely obvious choice and saying no would be a stupid decision. Since it is their first home together, I initially felt strange about encroaching on their married space; but I have been invited for dinner and painting several times already (during which I have been in that strange space, hovering in between guest and housemate) and I know that weirdness I feel is just because I haven't actually moved in. Nothing is official quite yet. The room which is to be mine has always been called "Sam's room" and I was consulted on the paint choice, though ultimately it was not my decision (as it shouldn't be). They have gone out of their way to incorporate me into things and have been honest and upfront about everything.

I don't want to say it's strange because that would be a lie. It isn't strange. It's just new and I will not be trapped by my limited vocabulary and stunted emotional reservoir into saying it is "strange" or "weird" or any other word with a negative connotation. The reality of it is this: I am thankful to be at a new beginning surrounded by friends and support to push into the really new scary thing: moving to Portland.

I've Got Plans To Make Plans

My to do list for the week:
1) Finish at least three prints for my class by Wednesday
2) Hang out with mom at a free concert
3) Pay my rent
4) Get to work on time
5) Organize