My printmaking teacher said that about our first assignment but I think it could apply to life as well. I feel like I'm always compromising, what I want in life, who I think I'm supposed to be, how I spend my time. I'm not exactly sure how or if I'm meant to 'remedy' this so called issue.
I'm sitting in the graphic design lab at the FAB, working on my capstone paper that was due yesterday (technically two days ago). I feel like that Vampire Weekend song, Giving Up the Gun. I personify that lyric Ezra sings "And though it's been a long time, you're right back where you've started from." I just went through the agony of staying up way too late to work on something that really shouldn't be this hard. This is my last semester. I should be living...well not really on easy street because this is probably one of the more important semesters of my college career.
I'm coming to realize that I've been content with a certain kind of mediocrity for most of my life. Maybe that's not fair though it really doesn't matter. I honestly cannot think of a time when I've "fired on all cylinders" so to speak. I don't know if I've ever put my full effort into something ever. I'm unsure of what that would look like. What kind of work would I be producing if I did more than just enough?
I'm not sure if I can actually accomplish doing my best at everything in life. Just thinking about it makes me tired. Especially with school work. I feel like there's a choice between doing what I think is fun or "living in the moment" and doing what I should do or "be responsible." Most days I feel like that Fiona Apple lyric "I sit and daydream. I've got daydreams galore." I almost feel like I've got next to nothing to show for the past four years. What have I accomplished here? I know that I've changed, I've grown as a person, I've challenged myself. I've spent a semester away from my country. I've learned a lot. But I don't have anything that I can actually show someone. Here, this is what I did as a college student. I don't have a comprehensive body of work, literature or art. As a senior, there's talk about portfolios, graduate applications, job interviews.
Today I overheard my print teacher talking to a student about the Whitney Biennial. They were talking about the art and how it fit into art history, its connections with other contemporary art, the feelings it generated in the viewer. I heard them and I felt left out. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to join in the conversation. I would have nothing to contribute. I feel like I don't really know anything. Like I've spent time just listening but not digesting or interpreting the information I've gathered in my life. I really feel like I"m not where I'm supposed to be. But here's the rub, I don't really know where I"m supposed to be. I don't think it's fair to judge myself based on someone else and what they've accomplished. Maybe its because I haven't done much so I won't actually measure up to anyone that's my age or in my current situation (i.e. soon to be graduating senior). I've been asked to be accountable for my future, my views on life, art, literature, everything. I feel like it's almost asking too much. How can I be accountable for all that information? I don't know what I'm doing in the future. I mean, not in any real meaningful way. I "know" what I'll be doing for the next year or so. We'll say two years. After that? I have no idea. I'm supposed to grow up and work like a real adult.
I don't know what this means. I just know that I'm tired. I'm tired of calling mediocrity high caliber work.
