More than Words

I have been listening to The Avett Brothers a lot lately. Their song "Paranoia in B Major" has kind of resonated with me these past few weeks. So here are the lyrics (I've bolded and italicized the parts that speak to me the most):

I keep tellin’ myself that it’ll be fine
You can’t make everybody happy all of the time.
I found myself in a place that I've never been;
A place that I thought that I would never be.
There’s people looking back at me

I keep having this dream: I’m at a party
There’s people throwing drinks and screaming, telling me that I don’t belong.
Lately life’s been the same; I find this comfortable place
With all my friends and then my friends start telling me that I’ve always been wrong
And I’m so tired of being wrong

There was a time I could move, there was a time I could breathe.
The crowded spaces filled with angry faces,
It didn’t once cross my mind.
With paranoia on my heels, will you love me still
when we awake and you find that the sanity has gone from my eyes?

I got secrets from you, you got secrets from me
Because you’re so worried about what I’m gonna think.
Baby I’m worried too.
But if love is a game, girl, then you’re gonna win.
I’ll spend the rest of my life bringing victory in
If you want me to.


Deer Tick's song "Art Isn't Real (City of Sin)" has also resonated with me.

I am the dotted line,
And you fill me in with whatever you like.
I am just going through the motions.
I need an old fashioned potion.
There has gotta be some old recipe.
'Cuz I gotta get drunk,
I gotta forget about somethings.

I lived in lies all my life,
And I've been living here for a long, long time,
And I know its been coming down a while now,
When it shows, then you get me on the dial,
But right now you're half way around the world,
Maybe I'll see better days, but I'm not so sure I will.
I'm still hanging round and round.
Sometimes it's a racket, but lately not a sound.
In the bowels of history and time,
I have learned to stay back and never shine.
Now I feel stupid when I smile.
For not a journey, a circus are our lives.

I can't make up for everything I waste,
And I know that I could never afford a taste,
Of anything that your lovely hands make,
It eats away before the soul brake.
Just because it brings a smile to my face,
such a bad memory, you just can't erase.

I know of a City to steal from,
And I know of a City to cheat on,
And I know of a City of Sin,
And that's the place I wanna meet you in,
And say hello all over again,
Romance me and take it back to the beginning.

Both songs speak to me because I have really felt lost these past few months. I'm not one for wafting around and pretending that I wanted to go to art school when pastry school didn't pan out made me slightly crazy. I guess I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready for art school and I'm pretty sure it's something that I'll never do. I just don't take it seriously. I mean, art is for me. Not for anyone else. Definitely not for someone else to judge (even though that's part of the viewing process). Maybe one day I'll be ready for that but it's not today.

Once I stopped ignoring the fact that I didn't feel like AI Portland was a place I could see myself taking classes in, I really didn't want to admit that I don't know anything, especially what I'm good at. I also didn't really want to come to terms with the fact that I won't love or want to keep the first job I have post college. I'm 23; there's time to figure out what I'm good at. I guess I'm not really that good at being uncomfortable and I have already had a few jobs that have made me wish my car broke down on the way in so I wouldn't have to go (despite the obvious headache that would accompany a broken car). I hated every minute of it and I don't exactly want to go back to that (but honestly, who would? Still people do it every day and for years!)

I guess it all goes back to the idea that I want to be the exception to the rule, not the rule itself. I wanted to be the one person that found out what they wanted to do with their life right out of college and, on top of that, found a good job (that paid well!) and actually was hiring. But no, that's not me and I'm certain that person doesn't exist.

Maybe the problem is that I'm good at lots of things and now it's time to choose something to do and there are just too many options. That sounds like a high class problem.

It's ok to have multiple jobs in a lifetime. It's even ok to be discontent, as long as it isn't forever. I'm just scared that I'll be discontent for the rest of my life and not even realize it.

Here's to the Future

I hate spraying air freshener and, because I have to walk through it on the way out of the door, end up smelling like "Tahitian flowers" when I emerge from the bathroom.

I appreciate the fact that I might be one of the only people who ever thinks about this more than a fleeting moment but it's something I think about every time I spray air freshener, which mean every time I feel like being kind after I poop.

I am currently sitting at the Columbia public library, listening to La Roux's "Bullet Proof." This song makes me think of England because La Roux always played at Sugarhouse and one of the girls definitely played at least one La Roux song every time they went out (read: every night of the week).

I have no idea where that intro thought came from; in all honesty I started writing this post about two weeks ago and that's where I started. Since then I have decided a few things. Most importantly: I am going to stay in Columbia and pay off my loans at a VA job. Well I just found out today that I do not qualify for the one job I am basically a shoe in for. Sigh. Such is life. On the upside, I have found at least five other jobs that I can apply for. Not to mention one other job at the VA. Of course the five other jobs are open right now. Not in three months like I want. But yea...I'm working on it. That said, I just turned in my deposit and application for an apartment. So I guess that part is covered. Unless of course I get turned down, which is entirely possible though unlikely.

I am suddenly freezing in here.

There is a heap of things that I'm meant to be doing. Most specifically, my art project because yes, I am still taking a class. I'd be a professional student but I'm actually ok with not going to class all the time or having homework. I mean I guess I do have that but it's entirely up to me at this point to do more work. I have finished one print (something that Chris said was flawless-shocking to me too) which really was the only thing I had to do for the class. That being said, I'd really like to make several more. I have ideas, but then again I don't really.

I hate Google Instant.


I feel excited about the future. I guess I'm excited about living on my own with my cats. I don't exactly want to work every day (or take classes for that matter) and I think it will be a challenge. I sometimes worry about how I'm going to make money but then I remember that I don't exactly have to love my job. I just need one. I can do that.