I know I know, we've been here before. I don't mean for months at a time to go before I update. It's just, well, life gets in the way. It always has a way of doing that yes?
So I'm currently at the library. One of my favorite places actually. Things are not musty in here like the University library and usually there is enough room for me. The exception of course is during finals week when everyone seems to remember that there are places like libraries to go. But I digress. I love being surrounded by books. They make me happy.
So lately I've been stressed out. I can just feel the tension in my shoulders, especially after the bowling out my parking space (I don't have a shovel so I used a bowl to dig my car out). Then there's the whole job thing, which hasn't really changed. My supervisor's are "working on the paperwork" but those words are really kind of hollow to me.
I have met the minimum requirements for four jobs I applied for so I have hope there. Today at church I filled out a connection card and asked for Woodcrest to pray for me regarding this job situation. Like I said on my card, I'm trying to trust in God but I'm scared. And that is the one thing I feel in my belly every time I think about the future. Not even the distant future. I mean in two weeks, that future. I know this is happening for a reason...well I guess I should say that I trust in God that much. I just don't know how far and how deep these "hard times" will go. That's the scary part. The reason I chose to live alone is because I thought I could handle the test. But living alone AND being jobless...well the combination might be too big of a test.
I'm 23. I just wanted to prove to myself that I am not a part of that trend, you know the one: college students going home to momma to loaf about for a while. I'm not much for loafing. Well I mean, I actually love doing nothing but for like a day. Of course it's easier to go home to your parents. It would have been nice to be with my family and help with my nieces and nephew. But I would have been disappointed. Ever since freshmen year, I have said to myself (and I even told my mom when I left for college) "this is the last time I will live at my mom's house." I may not know exactly what I will be doing for the rest of my life but I know that I want it to be a forward progression. Moving home just seemed like a giant leap backward. When I was 21 and stayed out until 5 in the morning during break (something I did occasionally at my own apartment at school) my mom flipped out. Totally gave me the sternest and most rude conversation of my life. She attacked my friends, the people I associate with, my judgment, the whole thing. I was 21. I was an adult, had been living on my own for two years. We had never had a conversation like that before, not when it is traditionally given (I'm assuming in high school) because I understand what's right and wrong and how to handle myself-my mother taught me that. I really couldn't handle that kind of thing happening again especially now at the age that I am. And it's likely that it would.
So yes, I chose this path which means I chose this uncertainty and fear. But I am trying to remind myself everyday, every minute, that I am not alone. That I have God, I have friends, I have my family that will help me, make it so I won't fail (even if that failure is only in my eyes).
