A Note on Packing and Relationships

Clothing, clothing everywhere and not a stitch to pack.

Where do you begin when it comes to packing for a six month trip in a country you've never been to? There are two choices as far as I can see:
1) Make a list of all the things I'll need. Cut the list in half (read: down to bare necessities) and pack accordingly.
2) Put it off until the last minute so things are panicked and rushed.
Clearly, the choice seems obvious for anyone that actually knows me. Like a true Genochio, I'm waiting until the last minute. Okay, not the last minute. I will start packing Thursday. I won't have work so I'll be able to actually think about things.

I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights. I think the reason I couldn't sleep last night was because I watched Hannibal and I might have been mostly creeped out. Tonight, well, I guess I can't sleep because I've got so much on my mind. Something happened tonight. Well, I won't be vague. I've been trying to date this boy. I like him but it seemed futile from the beginning because I was in Columbia for school and now I'm leaving the country for six months. Still, I tried. I don't know why. I guess the real reason behind it all was because he was the first person ever to actually show any interest in me. For the past 21 years (and bear with me, I don't mean to sound over dramatic or emo here), every guy I ever liked has been into my friends. That's all fine and dandy because, while it did hurt occasionally, I knew that things would happen when I was ready for them to. Well, here I figured I must be ready; things are happening, but what awful timing. The fact that he actually seemed to like me, not one of my friends but me, coupled with the fact that I liked him too made me feel like despite the terrible timing and obvious ridiculousness of actually trying to start a relationship just before leaving the country, things could work out. At least we'd get to know each other, have fun and when I got back, if it was supposed to work out, it would.
Well, that's obviously a lot to put on the beginning of a relationship. I don't know how he felt about it all. Actually, he said that he didn't think anything could happen because I'm leaving. Therefore he wasn't looking to make anything happen. So while I'm over here trying to make the connection, setting up plans that really sort of inconvenience me (movies at 11:00 pm when I have to work at 7 in the morning the next day)....long story short, I felt like I was pushing too hard to make it happen and it just wasn't going to. I mean, why would it? I'm leaving in a week. One week Insane.
The point is I"m upset. I'm upset because it's clear to me that I don't have the slightest clue about anything when it comes to "romantic relationships." I get that they're hard and "no one really knows what they're doing," but I just feel stupid. I've been trying to draw someone close to me for weeks now but I end up pushing them away because the timing is just all wrong. I suppose I could accept the fact that it didn't work out and leave it at that. I mean, that happens everyday.
I think I'm most upset, not because I was madly in love with this guy (I'm not-though I did enjoy his company a great deal), but because I'm concerned that the wacky behavior I exhibited in the past few weeks is something that I'll be doing with every new relationship I encounter. Good grief, I hope not. The problem is that I hold myself in such high regard (not necessarily a huge problem I suppose) that I consider myself the exception to the rule when it comes to girls. Well, some of my behavior points in the opposite direction of that claim. I'm just bothered by the fact that I acted like a "typical girl" on some of the occasions that I saw him. Could one of my biggest fears actually be that I am not spectacular in anyway but that I'm the epitome of ordinary? I guess everyone grapples with that at some point in their life.
I really do think that I've made a big change in my outlook on life and my attitude toward myself and things around me since last spring. Last spring, I started going to the Counseling Center because I felt like crying all the time. After spending the semester talking to my counselor (who was amazing), he challenged me to live up to my own expectations. I think I really have started to do that and it has made me happier. While I'm not 100% happy with myself, I am pretty damn comfortable with how I am. Yes, that feeling is a part of growing up, I know, but I feel really good, like reaching this comfort level has been some singular thing that no one else will do.

Holidays, Birthdays, and Unexpected Phone Calls

Happy Christmas! (as they say in England)
I had a lovely Christmas with my family. It was pretty sparse as far as presents go because everyone is in financial distress. But my family pulled together money to buy me a new camera and new luggage.
I spent the day holding back tears. It was weird. I was making cookies while my nieces opened their presents. They were so happy and excited. I guess I realized how much I would miss them. I asked for and stole as many hugs as I could from them after that. They didn't seem bothered by it at all. I hugged my sister and probably held on for four seconds too long but she didn't mind either. I high fived my brother even more than usual just so I could hold his hand for that half a second following the high five. My mom told me that she would miss me and asked me what she was going to do while I was gone.
It's weird but I'm sitting here describing my Christmas like I'm about to die and this was the last Christmas I would have. I don't feel like that at all. I just know I'm going to miss my family. Christmas is such a weird time anyway.
It's my best friend's birthday today and my brother's tomorrow. I love my brother so much. I enjoy his company even if we're doing nothing.
I miss spending time just me, my sister, and my brother. It's hard to get us all together because my sister has my nieces. I'm usually the first choice to watch them if she wants to do something. As it is, we're going to dinner for my brother's birthday and she's not going. It makes me sad.
I know I can't fix everything, or anything for that matter, but I do wish that I wasn't leaving at a time when things seem so bleak for everyone here. I wish I could shoulder some of the burden.
At work on Monday, everyone I saw asked me if I was excited to leave. I said yes but it wasn't very enthusiastic. The truth is I'm just glad to be home. I'm doing my best to enjoy it all but I'm so busy with everything. I still need to go to my bank and get British pounds (those crazy Brits).

I'm a downer, I know it. But today was amazing. Jacquie called me. We talked for over an hour. I miss her. It was nice to actually talk to her and hear her voice.

Finals Weak

It's Thursday of finals week. I have a critique at 1:00 today where I have to present my final project for 2D design. Then it's time to pack/study for my myth final tomorrow.

I had a weird experience on Tuesday. I took my English 3200-Intro to Brit Lit final and came home, $31 in my pocket after selling my books. I checked my email where a housing offer from Lancaster was waiting for me. I got the college I wanted: County College (http://county.lusu.co.uk/). It has the English department in it and there is a huge old tree in their quad. It was my first choice so naturally I was very excited. Well, I was going to accept the offer when I saw the cost of it. I freaked out. I couldn't remember what I had allotted for housing in my financial aid planning. Everything turned out okay; I'm 90% sure I'm going to be fine money wise but for about five minutes, I had a slight heart attack. After that fiasco, with three unsuccessful attempts to talk to my family to help me off the ledge, I realized I am going to be leaving the country in three weeks. Shit. I cried for ten minutes. It was insane. My roommates were busy, one was in her room, the other was taking a shower. I know why I cried; it's because I'm afraid but I just felt so weird. I should be happy about getting County College. I mean, I am totally happy. I still feel completely unprepared for leaving.
I guess it's good that I finally cried but I still feel like the really big cry, the one I keep feeling building up in my chest, is yet to come.

P.S. check out Black Mountain (www.myspace.com/blackmountain). They're pretty amazing, even if they are from Canada. :)

England Calling

I started writing this particular entry last May. That's when I first decided to find out about studying abroad. And holy shit, look how far I've come.
I don't know why I didn't finish writing the actual entry I began in May. Back then, this post was called London Calling. While that is the real name of the song by The Clash, if I wrote it, it would be a lie. I'm going to Lancaster, not London. Contrary to American belief, London is not synonymous for England. No worries though, I've made the same mistake.
I'm actually leaving for England in three weeks. Just typing that out made my heart skip half a beat. It's the truth though. I'm nervous. I keep feeling like I've forgotten to do something vital to my time in England. That's probably a valid feeling right now though. I'm too caught up in my finals to really (read: 100%) think about everything for England. My head would probably explode if I tried to do it all. As it is, I should be asleep, having written at least half of my 10 page paper due on Monday. Oh well, "should have"s and "actually did"s are not the same thing, as we all know.
Besides, I've done the ultimate "actually did." I'm leaving the only place I've ever really known for another country. By myself. I actually did buy the plane ticket. I actually did max out my financial aid to make my dream a reality. I actually did have a going away dinner at my apartment with a few of my closest friends. So what I haven't actually written my paper yet. I've got time.
I tell you what; I feel like I need a good cry. I know it will happen. I'm going to be leaving my mom behind when I step into the terminal at the airport. If I didn't cry then, I wouldn't have a heart. I just can't cry now. I don't know why I can't just let go. It's like having to sneeze but never actually sneezing.
I need to cry because I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving. I'm scared of not being able to handle being so far away. I'm scared of a lot of things that could potentially happen. I know things will be okay. I know I will work it out. I know that past evidence has shown that I can handle a lot of things but I still can't shake the feeling.

This is the beginning of the end and the beginning of the beginning. I'm finishing up my semester here at Mizzou and beginning my semester at Lancaster University soon. I can't promise to write on this blog everyday until I leave. In fact, I promise that I won't, but I will do my best to write it in as much as I can, documenting my pre-departure trials and tribulations. Of course I'll keep you all updated as I spend my time in Lancaster.

Until next time, stay classy San Diego. (Yea, I just stole Ron Burgandy's sign off)