A Note on Packing and Relationships

Clothing, clothing everywhere and not a stitch to pack.

Where do you begin when it comes to packing for a six month trip in a country you've never been to? There are two choices as far as I can see:
1) Make a list of all the things I'll need. Cut the list in half (read: down to bare necessities) and pack accordingly.
2) Put it off until the last minute so things are panicked and rushed.
Clearly, the choice seems obvious for anyone that actually knows me. Like a true Genochio, I'm waiting until the last minute. Okay, not the last minute. I will start packing Thursday. I won't have work so I'll be able to actually think about things.

I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights. I think the reason I couldn't sleep last night was because I watched Hannibal and I might have been mostly creeped out. Tonight, well, I guess I can't sleep because I've got so much on my mind. Something happened tonight. Well, I won't be vague. I've been trying to date this boy. I like him but it seemed futile from the beginning because I was in Columbia for school and now I'm leaving the country for six months. Still, I tried. I don't know why. I guess the real reason behind it all was because he was the first person ever to actually show any interest in me. For the past 21 years (and bear with me, I don't mean to sound over dramatic or emo here), every guy I ever liked has been into my friends. That's all fine and dandy because, while it did hurt occasionally, I knew that things would happen when I was ready for them to. Well, here I figured I must be ready; things are happening, but what awful timing. The fact that he actually seemed to like me, not one of my friends but me, coupled with the fact that I liked him too made me feel like despite the terrible timing and obvious ridiculousness of actually trying to start a relationship just before leaving the country, things could work out. At least we'd get to know each other, have fun and when I got back, if it was supposed to work out, it would.
Well, that's obviously a lot to put on the beginning of a relationship. I don't know how he felt about it all. Actually, he said that he didn't think anything could happen because I'm leaving. Therefore he wasn't looking to make anything happen. So while I'm over here trying to make the connection, setting up plans that really sort of inconvenience me (movies at 11:00 pm when I have to work at 7 in the morning the next day)....long story short, I felt like I was pushing too hard to make it happen and it just wasn't going to. I mean, why would it? I'm leaving in a week. One week Insane.
The point is I"m upset. I'm upset because it's clear to me that I don't have the slightest clue about anything when it comes to "romantic relationships." I get that they're hard and "no one really knows what they're doing," but I just feel stupid. I've been trying to draw someone close to me for weeks now but I end up pushing them away because the timing is just all wrong. I suppose I could accept the fact that it didn't work out and leave it at that. I mean, that happens everyday.
I think I'm most upset, not because I was madly in love with this guy (I'm not-though I did enjoy his company a great deal), but because I'm concerned that the wacky behavior I exhibited in the past few weeks is something that I'll be doing with every new relationship I encounter. Good grief, I hope not. The problem is that I hold myself in such high regard (not necessarily a huge problem I suppose) that I consider myself the exception to the rule when it comes to girls. Well, some of my behavior points in the opposite direction of that claim. I'm just bothered by the fact that I acted like a "typical girl" on some of the occasions that I saw him. Could one of my biggest fears actually be that I am not spectacular in anyway but that I'm the epitome of ordinary? I guess everyone grapples with that at some point in their life.
I really do think that I've made a big change in my outlook on life and my attitude toward myself and things around me since last spring. Last spring, I started going to the Counseling Center because I felt like crying all the time. After spending the semester talking to my counselor (who was amazing), he challenged me to live up to my own expectations. I think I really have started to do that and it has made me happier. While I'm not 100% happy with myself, I am pretty damn comfortable with how I am. Yes, that feeling is a part of growing up, I know, but I feel really good, like reaching this comfort level has been some singular thing that no one else will do.