I'm currently sitting at the Starbucks on West Broadway. I am sitting in the only open seat that was not attached to a table occupied by one student diligently studying for the semester already. The seat is a chaise lounge which I have spied on previous occasions but never had the opportunity to sit in. If you think about it, having a chaise lounge is a really strange chair to have at this establishment. I mean, this really isn't the place for lounging in a sexy barely there dress with pouting lips and sexy tousled-as-if-this-were-a-bed hair, which are all things I automatically think of when I think "chaise lounge."
Either way, I am sitting on it. Ironically (?) I am wearing a dress and I curled my hair. My dress is all there; my leggings and boots cover my entire leg and I am wearing a sweater. My curls have pretty much deflated too. I do not feel sexy in any way. Probably because I'm too stressed out to really have any feeling beyond anxiety. I actually feel at angles with this Starbucks. Almost like I'm being sucked down and backwards, folding up from the middle. It's a weird feeling and I'm having trouble grounding myself in this moment with a foot on the floor. If it works for drunks, eh?
I digress.
So it's been ages since I've blogged (we've been here before, yes?). I have moved into my very own apartment and I now live with my two cats Max and Susie in a one bedroom number off a main drag in Columbia.
It's also a new year. I've only been in this apartment for a full week and few days. The reason I'm stressed out is because I might not have a job in three weeks. The VA has kind of fooked me big time. They've extended my position for 30 days, starting last week. They're trying to get this position opened up so I can apply for it before I leave. But honestly. There's no guarantee really, even though I've been told for days and days that I am "the one they want" but that's not necessarily reassuring anymore. So I'm doing the whole resume and application schtick.
More than that, I also feel lonely. I live alone with two cats. I miss Niki and JP. I miss seeing them (sometimes anyway) in the morning for a brief moment before leaving for work. I miss coming home and, after only a few moments in solitude, being able to make dinner or watch them make dinner before retiring to my room to watch tv or something. It's strange because if I really think about it I did spend a lot of time "alone" on Timbers. But it's completely different. I could always just walk downstairs and join the fireside chat or the watch party for How I Met Your Mother.
Since it's been so snowy in Columbia, I haven't even been able to just "drop by" (though I'd never do that. I mean, yes I have a key but it's way uncool to come by unannounced).
I was playing a little game earlier, alone while I watched The Usual Suspects on my laptop. Where would I be without Niki and JP?
1)I would have totally gone crazy and not graduated college. Seriously, without Niki, Reid's help would have been like throwing a stick into a river when the point is to make a dam (Translation for that weak metaphor: it would have been useless).
2) I would be locked into a lease at the 305. Now since I've decided I'm not moving to Portland, I guess that wouldn't have been the end of the world but honestly, had I decided to leave? I would have been boned. And cold with the erratic heat of Dumas. Not to mention I'm certain I would have fallen at least once, if not multiple times on the shoddily shoveled sidewalks/stairs of the complex. Seriously, think of the medical bills.
3) I would have never met and gotten to know the glorious residents of Timbers. The Van Dykes and Creachs have seriously helped me out of multiple jams, easing my transition to living alone tremendously. I'm pretty sure I'd only have two chairs and two plates if not for them.
4) I would have murdered someone by now. This also goes along with number 1. I would have a very small amount of sanity in me causing me to go off the deep end more than the few times I have already because of stupid things that always seem like mountains at the time.
5) I can distinguish the "truth" from the fiction and, even though it doesn't always help me from feeling bad or from feeling like I should do more, at least I know that what I'm feeling isn't because someone hates me or thinks I need to stop whining.
6) I wouldn't know about church and how it can make me feel better about myself just by going (this is something I've only just realized. I've gone to church for two weeks in a row. I missed today and I genuinely feel like I've missed out on something very important).
7) I know it's ok to ask for help. I guess I've known that for a while but I didn't feel like I was being needy for asking at 801.
8) I wouldn't know very much about the geography of Columbia beyond the downtown area. For real. Before I moved my life pretty much consisted of the 15 by 15 block square of campus and downtown.
The point is I'm 100% certain that I would have a very different future if I hadn't had the time I've had with Niki and JP. Living with them was fun, a learning experience, a loving experience. I've never seen so many dinner parties in one space in my life. Which was cool because it kind of put me out of my comfort zone. As we all know being uncomfortable is one of the few times anyone can really change or learn something new.
To end this belated post, I just need to say this: I really hope you meet someone who can really change your life for the better. I've been blessed enough to find two people who changed me, carried me when I felt I couldn't walk, nursed me back to health when I had too much "fun", taught me true, selfless generosity from their hearts.
