I posted this blog on my myspace page some time ago, under the category of "Life," titled "Jealous is for the birds":
So...I've been thinking about a few things.
One) I'd like to live up to my own expectations and not anyone else's.
Two) I miss my counselor, Reid. I didn't know that I would but I do. I miss talking to him. I wasn't really worried about what he would think about things. I just said them.
Three) I'm tired of being jealous of people I know. Kids whose parents pay for their college and buy them brand new cars. Kids who can travel to Europe four times in a year. It makes me sad because sometimes I burn so fiercely with jealousy. I'd like to be happy with my own life.
Four) I miss just being at home.
Five) How is it that some people don't realize that they suck at being friends with someone? I mean, I bet I do it too (I can't say that I'm better than anyone else) but some people just don't know what it means to be a good friend.
Six) I'd like to let the stupid shit go. I'd like to stop getting upset over things that I can't change or control; things that happened in the past.
Yep...that's all I've got for now.
I looked over that list and for the most part I still feel the same way even though I posted it almost a year ago. I do think that I've make strides of progress in accomplishing some of those things on that list. I've gotten better at letting go the things that I can't change or control. I've started taking responsibility for my choices and the situations I find myself in. I've trimmed the fat, so to speak, off my so called friends list. I still get jealous but only on the days I find myself exhausted from always having to be the one to pull through for myself. But those moments are fleeting because I know that I am never truly alone and I will always have a safety net in the form of my family and close friends. Let's be honest anyway: being the one to pull through for yourself is kind of what life's all about. Seriously, if you can't do it for yourself, who will? Should anyone else?
I learned that I don't know the difference between living the life I live and the sort of life that might seem easier or harder for that matter. I'll never know because this is the life that I live and have chosen to live. I spent a small period of time thinking about what it means to be happy and deciding if the definition I came up with and what I've felt are the same thing. Evidently it was too small of a period of time because I don't know.
Missing just being at home hasn't stopped. In fact, while I always knew that my family was the most important thing in my life, I never realized, until recently, what that actually meant.
I also realized that being in England for such a long time is one of the most exhilarating and frightening things I've ever done in my life. If I can do this, I can do anything. It's sort of like in the movie Fight Club, Edward Norton's character said something along the lines of "Once you've been in a fight, everything else in your life gets the volume turned down." Things have changed for me. Nothing really seems out of reach now. (Okay, I realize that reference might be lost on some of you and others probably won't see the connection. I don't know why but these two ideas just seem to be linked in my head.)
I spent some time thinking about graduation next May (yes friends, I will be graduating college next May. You might be shocked-how do you think I feel?). I'm afraid to graduate college because I don't know what to do next. College is pretty much the last strictly planned out event of my life. The next step is obviously to get a job but there is a lot of wiggle room. I can do anything. The most likely next step is more schooling. I'm really anxious but excited about the idea of baking school (something that's been talked about more and more the past year or so). The only thing I'm really anxious about is money (i.e. paying for it) and moving away (i.e. away from my family). I was thinking about San Francisco (as I'm sure I mentioned) but I just don't dig on cities. To be honest, after baking school I'll just face the same question: what next? That question is enough to make my chest tighten up, my heart to beat uncontrollably, and my breath to quicken. I suppose that's what happens at the ends of things.
I heard (or maybe read?) this quote once: If you're not prepared to look stupid, then nothing great is ever going to happen. I'm working on letting go of fear of looking/feeling stupid. I know I am meant to be great. Maybe not "all of America loves me" great but great enough for my life, my family and friends.
I don't know what's brought on this...whatever it is. I go through it every now again. I'm probably too serious for my own good. I personally blame it on Sheryl Crow and her "I'm leaving the shit behind and having a good time" type of music. At least this time.
I'm off to bed so I can wake up and make peanut butter cookies for my very lovely international friends.
To my beautiful mother and wonderful sister: I have not forgotten Mother's Day. I'm just very Mexican here so your cards will be late. I love and miss you.
To my fabulous brother: I miss watching movies with you. I saw a movie trivia book at this store and I almost bought it so I could quiz you. But I don't have a lot of money and I thought our brains could probably use the memory space for something other than movie trivia. I love you.
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