If you haven't already gathered this, you must not be paying attention: I am not that good at timely blogging. In my defense, I do not have internet at my home so it's a little tricky logging on here to blog.
As such I have a lot to update on. And given the time and my current lifestyle, it will be given in easy to read bullets (meaning it's getting late and due to the lack of internet I am at a friend's so I need to hurry up so I can finish this and get home to bed).
1) I got a new job.
I was hired on at Shelter Insurance as a Return Payment Processor. Basically, if someone's payment is denied by their bank, I get to cancel their policy (provided the state law and specific circumstance require a cancellation to take place). I cannot tell you how much I really, really like my job. I've only been there for a month and some change so I can't really jump to "love" yet but gosh dang I'm real close. Everyone has been so incredibly nice and welcoming. It's crazy to me how comfortable I am there. How it doesn't really feel like a stretch to say that I could work for this company for the rest of my life. I actually had a dream a few weeks ago (yes, weeks ago) about coming into work (after finding a husband of course) and telling everyone that I was going to have a baby. And they all congratulated me and threw me a baby shower. That dream freaked me out a little for two reasons: 1) why am I thinking about having babies? 2)a few weeks in and I'm already thinking about these people like close friends/family. I think it's great, don't get me wrong, it's just all so...grown up. I don't know how to express that sentiment without feeling like a nerd but seriously. I just graduated college...I didn't really expect to find something like this so soon. I'm so incredibly glad that I did but it's just unexpected.
2)I'm making real adult plans.
This just means that I'm considering buying a new car and I'm starting to get serious about paying my student loans off. I work for an insurance company so I'm constantly thinking about insurance. I have life and health insurance through my job. I"m about to switch my renter's insurance to Shelter and I"m going to get my very own auto insurance (my mom has been generously paying for it while I've been in college....well basically the entire time I've been driving. She said it's the least she could do since she couldn't help me pay for college, a sentiment I've never fully understood because she gave me life, the least I could do was pay for some of the cost required for my future) I'm also considering buying a bike (which is the real first consideration, prior to new car) because my job is literally right next to my home. I can save on gas money if I just stopped being so damn lazy.
3)My friends are graduating.
This is both exciting and kind of depressing. I'm totally excited for my friends to be done with college. I remember what those last few days were like. It was like the final push to this thing that seemed at times would never end. But there it was, the end of going to class, the end of homework, the end of papers. It was exciting. It was terrifying (but that feeling really only manifested itself two months later when my Portland plans totally started falling apart). It's depressing because some of my friends are moving away. My best friend is moving back to Chicago and then to grad school in Michigan. I'm so happy for her to be going on to do bigger and better things with her degree (because my degree is really just a title, like the Queen of England, move of a figurehead than anything else...couldn't even tell you where my actual physical diploma is right now...) but I'm also sad because I really couldn't say when I'll see her next. At the same time I know that it's not in my nature to walk away from my very good friends. I still make an effort to see Danielle and she lives in Florida.
Alas, it is still a nice time to be in Columbia. Graduation almost always makes my heart swell and my eyes well with tears; it's an inspiring time when the whole world seems open with possibilities.
So yea...that's all I've got for now. I'm tired and I've got work tomorrow. Happy Cinco de Mayo. Celebrate. Be Mexican.
Listen to Falling Into Reverie
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I'm a Blogger, I Swear
I know I know, we've been here before. I don't mean for months at a time to go before I update. It's just, well, life gets in the way. It always has a way of doing that yes?
So I'm currently at the library. One of my favorite places actually. Things are not musty in here like the University library and usually there is enough room for me. The exception of course is during finals week when everyone seems to remember that there are places like libraries to go. But I digress. I love being surrounded by books. They make me happy.
So lately I've been stressed out. I can just feel the tension in my shoulders, especially after the bowling out my parking space (I don't have a shovel so I used a bowl to dig my car out). Then there's the whole job thing, which hasn't really changed. My supervisor's are "working on the paperwork" but those words are really kind of hollow to me.
I have met the minimum requirements for four jobs I applied for so I have hope there. Today at church I filled out a connection card and asked for Woodcrest to pray for me regarding this job situation. Like I said on my card, I'm trying to trust in God but I'm scared. And that is the one thing I feel in my belly every time I think about the future. Not even the distant future. I mean in two weeks, that future. I know this is happening for a reason...well I guess I should say that I trust in God that much. I just don't know how far and how deep these "hard times" will go. That's the scary part. The reason I chose to live alone is because I thought I could handle the test. But living alone AND being jobless...well the combination might be too big of a test.
I'm 23. I just wanted to prove to myself that I am not a part of that trend, you know the one: college students going home to momma to loaf about for a while. I'm not much for loafing. Well I mean, I actually love doing nothing but for like a day. Of course it's easier to go home to your parents. It would have been nice to be with my family and help with my nieces and nephew. But I would have been disappointed. Ever since freshmen year, I have said to myself (and I even told my mom when I left for college) "this is the last time I will live at my mom's house." I may not know exactly what I will be doing for the rest of my life but I know that I want it to be a forward progression. Moving home just seemed like a giant leap backward. When I was 21 and stayed out until 5 in the morning during break (something I did occasionally at my own apartment at school) my mom flipped out. Totally gave me the sternest and most rude conversation of my life. She attacked my friends, the people I associate with, my judgment, the whole thing. I was 21. I was an adult, had been living on my own for two years. We had never had a conversation like that before, not when it is traditionally given (I'm assuming in high school) because I understand what's right and wrong and how to handle myself-my mother taught me that. I really couldn't handle that kind of thing happening again especially now at the age that I am. And it's likely that it would.
So yes, I chose this path which means I chose this uncertainty and fear. But I am trying to remind myself everyday, every minute, that I am not alone. That I have God, I have friends, I have my family that will help me, make it so I won't fail (even if that failure is only in my eyes).
So I'm currently at the library. One of my favorite places actually. Things are not musty in here like the University library and usually there is enough room for me. The exception of course is during finals week when everyone seems to remember that there are places like libraries to go. But I digress. I love being surrounded by books. They make me happy.
So lately I've been stressed out. I can just feel the tension in my shoulders, especially after the bowling out my parking space (I don't have a shovel so I used a bowl to dig my car out). Then there's the whole job thing, which hasn't really changed. My supervisor's are "working on the paperwork" but those words are really kind of hollow to me.
I have met the minimum requirements for four jobs I applied for so I have hope there. Today at church I filled out a connection card and asked for Woodcrest to pray for me regarding this job situation. Like I said on my card, I'm trying to trust in God but I'm scared. And that is the one thing I feel in my belly every time I think about the future. Not even the distant future. I mean in two weeks, that future. I know this is happening for a reason...well I guess I should say that I trust in God that much. I just don't know how far and how deep these "hard times" will go. That's the scary part. The reason I chose to live alone is because I thought I could handle the test. But living alone AND being jobless...well the combination might be too big of a test.
I'm 23. I just wanted to prove to myself that I am not a part of that trend, you know the one: college students going home to momma to loaf about for a while. I'm not much for loafing. Well I mean, I actually love doing nothing but for like a day. Of course it's easier to go home to your parents. It would have been nice to be with my family and help with my nieces and nephew. But I would have been disappointed. Ever since freshmen year, I have said to myself (and I even told my mom when I left for college) "this is the last time I will live at my mom's house." I may not know exactly what I will be doing for the rest of my life but I know that I want it to be a forward progression. Moving home just seemed like a giant leap backward. When I was 21 and stayed out until 5 in the morning during break (something I did occasionally at my own apartment at school) my mom flipped out. Totally gave me the sternest and most rude conversation of my life. She attacked my friends, the people I associate with, my judgment, the whole thing. I was 21. I was an adult, had been living on my own for two years. We had never had a conversation like that before, not when it is traditionally given (I'm assuming in high school) because I understand what's right and wrong and how to handle myself-my mother taught me that. I really couldn't handle that kind of thing happening again especially now at the age that I am. And it's likely that it would.
So yes, I chose this path which means I chose this uncertainty and fear. But I am trying to remind myself everyday, every minute, that I am not alone. That I have God, I have friends, I have my family that will help me, make it so I won't fail (even if that failure is only in my eyes).
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Surprise!
I'm currently sitting at the Starbucks on West Broadway. I am sitting in the only open seat that was not attached to a table occupied by one student diligently studying for the semester already. The seat is a chaise lounge which I have spied on previous occasions but never had the opportunity to sit in. If you think about it, having a chaise lounge is a really strange chair to have at this establishment. I mean, this really isn't the place for lounging in a sexy barely there dress with pouting lips and sexy tousled-as-if-this-were-a-bed hair, which are all things I automatically think of when I think "chaise lounge."
Either way, I am sitting on it. Ironically (?) I am wearing a dress and I curled my hair. My dress is all there; my leggings and boots cover my entire leg and I am wearing a sweater. My curls have pretty much deflated too. I do not feel sexy in any way. Probably because I'm too stressed out to really have any feeling beyond anxiety. I actually feel at angles with this Starbucks. Almost like I'm being sucked down and backwards, folding up from the middle. It's a weird feeling and I'm having trouble grounding myself in this moment with a foot on the floor. If it works for drunks, eh?
I digress.
So it's been ages since I've blogged (we've been here before, yes?). I have moved into my very own apartment and I now live with my two cats Max and Susie in a one bedroom number off a main drag in Columbia.
It's also a new year. I've only been in this apartment for a full week and few days. The reason I'm stressed out is because I might not have a job in three weeks. The VA has kind of fooked me big time. They've extended my position for 30 days, starting last week. They're trying to get this position opened up so I can apply for it before I leave. But honestly. There's no guarantee really, even though I've been told for days and days that I am "the one they want" but that's not necessarily reassuring anymore. So I'm doing the whole resume and application schtick.
More than that, I also feel lonely. I live alone with two cats. I miss Niki and JP. I miss seeing them (sometimes anyway) in the morning for a brief moment before leaving for work. I miss coming home and, after only a few moments in solitude, being able to make dinner or watch them make dinner before retiring to my room to watch tv or something. It's strange because if I really think about it I did spend a lot of time "alone" on Timbers. But it's completely different. I could always just walk downstairs and join the fireside chat or the watch party for How I Met Your Mother.
Since it's been so snowy in Columbia, I haven't even been able to just "drop by" (though I'd never do that. I mean, yes I have a key but it's way uncool to come by unannounced).
I was playing a little game earlier, alone while I watched The Usual Suspects on my laptop. Where would I be without Niki and JP?
1)I would have totally gone crazy and not graduated college. Seriously, without Niki, Reid's help would have been like throwing a stick into a river when the point is to make a dam (Translation for that weak metaphor: it would have been useless).
2) I would be locked into a lease at the 305. Now since I've decided I'm not moving to Portland, I guess that wouldn't have been the end of the world but honestly, had I decided to leave? I would have been boned. And cold with the erratic heat of Dumas. Not to mention I'm certain I would have fallen at least once, if not multiple times on the shoddily shoveled sidewalks/stairs of the complex. Seriously, think of the medical bills.
3) I would have never met and gotten to know the glorious residents of Timbers. The Van Dykes and Creachs have seriously helped me out of multiple jams, easing my transition to living alone tremendously. I'm pretty sure I'd only have two chairs and two plates if not for them.
4) I would have murdered someone by now. This also goes along with number 1. I would have a very small amount of sanity in me causing me to go off the deep end more than the few times I have already because of stupid things that always seem like mountains at the time.
5) I can distinguish the "truth" from the fiction and, even though it doesn't always help me from feeling bad or from feeling like I should do more, at least I know that what I'm feeling isn't because someone hates me or thinks I need to stop whining.
6) I wouldn't know about church and how it can make me feel better about myself just by going (this is something I've only just realized. I've gone to church for two weeks in a row. I missed today and I genuinely feel like I've missed out on something very important).
7) I know it's ok to ask for help. I guess I've known that for a while but I didn't feel like I was being needy for asking at 801.
8) I wouldn't know very much about the geography of Columbia beyond the downtown area. For real. Before I moved my life pretty much consisted of the 15 by 15 block square of campus and downtown.
The point is I'm 100% certain that I would have a very different future if I hadn't had the time I've had with Niki and JP. Living with them was fun, a learning experience, a loving experience. I've never seen so many dinner parties in one space in my life. Which was cool because it kind of put me out of my comfort zone. As we all know being uncomfortable is one of the few times anyone can really change or learn something new.
To end this belated post, I just need to say this: I really hope you meet someone who can really change your life for the better. I've been blessed enough to find two people who changed me, carried me when I felt I couldn't walk, nursed me back to health when I had too much "fun", taught me true, selfless generosity from their hearts.
Either way, I am sitting on it. Ironically (?) I am wearing a dress and I curled my hair. My dress is all there; my leggings and boots cover my entire leg and I am wearing a sweater. My curls have pretty much deflated too. I do not feel sexy in any way. Probably because I'm too stressed out to really have any feeling beyond anxiety. I actually feel at angles with this Starbucks. Almost like I'm being sucked down and backwards, folding up from the middle. It's a weird feeling and I'm having trouble grounding myself in this moment with a foot on the floor. If it works for drunks, eh?
I digress.
So it's been ages since I've blogged (we've been here before, yes?). I have moved into my very own apartment and I now live with my two cats Max and Susie in a one bedroom number off a main drag in Columbia.
It's also a new year. I've only been in this apartment for a full week and few days. The reason I'm stressed out is because I might not have a job in three weeks. The VA has kind of fooked me big time. They've extended my position for 30 days, starting last week. They're trying to get this position opened up so I can apply for it before I leave. But honestly. There's no guarantee really, even though I've been told for days and days that I am "the one they want" but that's not necessarily reassuring anymore. So I'm doing the whole resume and application schtick.
More than that, I also feel lonely. I live alone with two cats. I miss Niki and JP. I miss seeing them (sometimes anyway) in the morning for a brief moment before leaving for work. I miss coming home and, after only a few moments in solitude, being able to make dinner or watch them make dinner before retiring to my room to watch tv or something. It's strange because if I really think about it I did spend a lot of time "alone" on Timbers. But it's completely different. I could always just walk downstairs and join the fireside chat or the watch party for How I Met Your Mother.
Since it's been so snowy in Columbia, I haven't even been able to just "drop by" (though I'd never do that. I mean, yes I have a key but it's way uncool to come by unannounced).
I was playing a little game earlier, alone while I watched The Usual Suspects on my laptop. Where would I be without Niki and JP?
1)I would have totally gone crazy and not graduated college. Seriously, without Niki, Reid's help would have been like throwing a stick into a river when the point is to make a dam (Translation for that weak metaphor: it would have been useless).
2) I would be locked into a lease at the 305. Now since I've decided I'm not moving to Portland, I guess that wouldn't have been the end of the world but honestly, had I decided to leave? I would have been boned. And cold with the erratic heat of Dumas. Not to mention I'm certain I would have fallen at least once, if not multiple times on the shoddily shoveled sidewalks/stairs of the complex. Seriously, think of the medical bills.
3) I would have never met and gotten to know the glorious residents of Timbers. The Van Dykes and Creachs have seriously helped me out of multiple jams, easing my transition to living alone tremendously. I'm pretty sure I'd only have two chairs and two plates if not for them.
4) I would have murdered someone by now. This also goes along with number 1. I would have a very small amount of sanity in me causing me to go off the deep end more than the few times I have already because of stupid things that always seem like mountains at the time.
5) I can distinguish the "truth" from the fiction and, even though it doesn't always help me from feeling bad or from feeling like I should do more, at least I know that what I'm feeling isn't because someone hates me or thinks I need to stop whining.
6) I wouldn't know about church and how it can make me feel better about myself just by going (this is something I've only just realized. I've gone to church for two weeks in a row. I missed today and I genuinely feel like I've missed out on something very important).
7) I know it's ok to ask for help. I guess I've known that for a while but I didn't feel like I was being needy for asking at 801.
8) I wouldn't know very much about the geography of Columbia beyond the downtown area. For real. Before I moved my life pretty much consisted of the 15 by 15 block square of campus and downtown.
The point is I'm 100% certain that I would have a very different future if I hadn't had the time I've had with Niki and JP. Living with them was fun, a learning experience, a loving experience. I've never seen so many dinner parties in one space in my life. Which was cool because it kind of put me out of my comfort zone. As we all know being uncomfortable is one of the few times anyone can really change or learn something new.
To end this belated post, I just need to say this: I really hope you meet someone who can really change your life for the better. I've been blessed enough to find two people who changed me, carried me when I felt I couldn't walk, nursed me back to health when I had too much "fun", taught me true, selfless generosity from their hearts.
Monday, December 6, 2010
The French Aren't All Bad
I don't really have anything extra special to blog about today. I just figured it's been a while and I'm not doing anything else so why not?
I've been doing a lot of Christmas shopping and lazing about these past few days. I've been enjoying the drink a bit too much and I have been listening to French music, at least in a round about sort of way. If you know me, you might know that I'm not a huge fan of the French in general, without real reason or cause. But really, some of the French music isn't terrible. I like it. Hey, the French can't get it all wrong.
I watched an interview of Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Youtube. It was excessively adorable and a bit strange. But it was an interview with Nylon magazine, which I think it kind of a strange publication; though in all honesty I have yet to read it. Either way, back to Mr. Gordon-Levitt. You might remember him as a shaggy haired teenager on 3rd Rock from the Sun or as the suave slicked back dreamer in Inception. I'll admit he caught my attention fully after Inception though I did enjoy his performance in 500 Days of Summer with Zooey Deschanel, a woman I love and hate at the same time. All that aside, in that interview with Nylon, Joseph mentioned that he likes women who speak French. Unfortunately I will never be one of those women. Not just because of my aforementioned distaste for French things. Languages are hard. I believe I should master Spanish, a language that people just assume I know because I happen to have more melanin than others, before I pick up any other languages.
All this got me to thinking, what kind of a woman do I want to be? I mean, I have already realized that I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up (which scarily is sort of right now, sort of not), but I have been thinking about what kind of lifestyle I want to have. I figure if I can manage that task first, in theory, I should be able to work from there to find a job that will allow me to live as I want to. But then again, this is all speculation. As is much of what comes out of my mouth and head.
Either way, I want to be a stylish, though not necessarily trendy, woman. I want to have good taste, in all things. I want to be knowledgeable of lots of things and passionate about a select few. I want to own clever things that are functional and aesthetically pleasing. I want to be able to create clever, functional things. I want to be able to give of myself freely, both in time and spirit.
I want to fall in love with a man who will love me despite the fact that I will be neurotic for all time, no matter how much I try to improve myself. I want to be the kind of woman that attracts a man that will happily surprise me. Someone who can handle my crazies but knows that I'm not really crazy, who will accept that I will almost always drop anything and everything I'm doing to go to the aid of my family. Someone who sees that as a virtue and not some annoying fault to correct or put up with. I want to fall in love with someone that I can just look at and know, not guess or hope but know, that being married to him will make my life better from that moment on.
So yea... I don't know how to be this person I imagine in my head. But I guess I can thank Joseph Gordon-Levitt for making me at least think about it.
I've been doing a lot of Christmas shopping and lazing about these past few days. I've been enjoying the drink a bit too much and I have been listening to French music, at least in a round about sort of way. If you know me, you might know that I'm not a huge fan of the French in general, without real reason or cause. But really, some of the French music isn't terrible. I like it. Hey, the French can't get it all wrong.
I watched an interview of Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Youtube. It was excessively adorable and a bit strange. But it was an interview with Nylon magazine, which I think it kind of a strange publication; though in all honesty I have yet to read it. Either way, back to Mr. Gordon-Levitt. You might remember him as a shaggy haired teenager on 3rd Rock from the Sun or as the suave slicked back dreamer in Inception. I'll admit he caught my attention fully after Inception though I did enjoy his performance in 500 Days of Summer with Zooey Deschanel, a woman I love and hate at the same time. All that aside, in that interview with Nylon, Joseph mentioned that he likes women who speak French. Unfortunately I will never be one of those women. Not just because of my aforementioned distaste for French things. Languages are hard. I believe I should master Spanish, a language that people just assume I know because I happen to have more melanin than others, before I pick up any other languages.
All this got me to thinking, what kind of a woman do I want to be? I mean, I have already realized that I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up (which scarily is sort of right now, sort of not), but I have been thinking about what kind of lifestyle I want to have. I figure if I can manage that task first, in theory, I should be able to work from there to find a job that will allow me to live as I want to. But then again, this is all speculation. As is much of what comes out of my mouth and head.
Either way, I want to be a stylish, though not necessarily trendy, woman. I want to have good taste, in all things. I want to be knowledgeable of lots of things and passionate about a select few. I want to own clever things that are functional and aesthetically pleasing. I want to be able to create clever, functional things. I want to be able to give of myself freely, both in time and spirit.
I want to fall in love with a man who will love me despite the fact that I will be neurotic for all time, no matter how much I try to improve myself. I want to be the kind of woman that attracts a man that will happily surprise me. Someone who can handle my crazies but knows that I'm not really crazy, who will accept that I will almost always drop anything and everything I'm doing to go to the aid of my family. Someone who sees that as a virtue and not some annoying fault to correct or put up with. I want to fall in love with someone that I can just look at and know, not guess or hope but know, that being married to him will make my life better from that moment on.
So yea... I don't know how to be this person I imagine in my head. But I guess I can thank Joseph Gordon-Levitt for making me at least think about it.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
More than Words
I have been listening to The Avett Brothers a lot lately. Their song "Paranoia in B Major" has kind of resonated with me these past few weeks. So here are the lyrics (I've bolded and italicized the parts that speak to me the most):
I keep tellin’ myself that it’ll be fine
You can’t make everybody happy all of the time.
I found myself in a place that I've never been;
A place that I thought that I would never be.
There’s people looking back at me
I keep having this dream: I’m at a party
There’s people throwing drinks and screaming, telling me that I don’t belong.
Lately life’s been the same; I find this comfortable place
With all my friends and then my friends start telling me that I’ve always been wrong
And I’m so tired of being wrong
There was a time I could move, there was a time I could breathe.
The crowded spaces filled with angry faces,
It didn’t once cross my mind.
With paranoia on my heels, will you love me still
when we awake and you find that the sanity has gone from my eyes?
I got secrets from you, you got secrets from me
Because you’re so worried about what I’m gonna think.
Baby I’m worried too.
But if love is a game, girl, then you’re gonna win.
I’ll spend the rest of my life bringing victory in
If you want me to.
Deer Tick's song "Art Isn't Real (City of Sin)" has also resonated with me.
I am the dotted line,
And you fill me in with whatever you like.
I am just going through the motions.
I need an old fashioned potion.
There has gotta be some old recipe.
'Cuz I gotta get drunk,
I gotta forget about somethings.
I lived in lies all my life,
And I've been living here for a long, long time,
And I know its been coming down a while now,
When it shows, then you get me on the dial,
But right now you're half way around the world,
Maybe I'll see better days, but I'm not so sure I will.
I'm still hanging round and round.
Sometimes it's a racket, but lately not a sound.
In the bowels of history and time,
I have learned to stay back and never shine.
Now I feel stupid when I smile.
For not a journey, a circus are our lives.
I can't make up for everything I waste,
And I know that I could never afford a taste,
Of anything that your lovely hands make,
It eats away before the soul brake.
Just because it brings a smile to my face,
such a bad memory, you just can't erase.
I know of a City to steal from,
And I know of a City to cheat on,
And I know of a City of Sin,
And that's the place I wanna meet you in,
And say hello all over again,
Romance me and take it back to the beginning.
Both songs speak to me because I have really felt lost these past few months. I'm not one for wafting around and pretending that I wanted to go to art school when pastry school didn't pan out made me slightly crazy. I guess I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready for art school and I'm pretty sure it's something that I'll never do. I just don't take it seriously. I mean, art is for me. Not for anyone else. Definitely not for someone else to judge (even though that's part of the viewing process). Maybe one day I'll be ready for that but it's not today.
Once I stopped ignoring the fact that I didn't feel like AI Portland was a place I could see myself taking classes in, I really didn't want to admit that I don't know anything, especially what I'm good at. I also didn't really want to come to terms with the fact that I won't love or want to keep the first job I have post college. I'm 23; there's time to figure out what I'm good at. I guess I'm not really that good at being uncomfortable and I have already had a few jobs that have made me wish my car broke down on the way in so I wouldn't have to go (despite the obvious headache that would accompany a broken car). I hated every minute of it and I don't exactly want to go back to that (but honestly, who would? Still people do it every day and for years!)
I guess it all goes back to the idea that I want to be the exception to the rule, not the rule itself. I wanted to be the one person that found out what they wanted to do with their life right out of college and, on top of that, found a good job (that paid well!) and actually was hiring. But no, that's not me and I'm certain that person doesn't exist.
Maybe the problem is that I'm good at lots of things and now it's time to choose something to do and there are just too many options. That sounds like a high class problem.
It's ok to have multiple jobs in a lifetime. It's even ok to be discontent, as long as it isn't forever. I'm just scared that I'll be discontent for the rest of my life and not even realize it.
I keep tellin’ myself that it’ll be fine
You can’t make everybody happy all of the time.
I found myself in a place that I've never been;
A place that I thought that I would never be.
There’s people looking back at me
I keep having this dream: I’m at a party
There’s people throwing drinks and screaming, telling me that I don’t belong.
Lately life’s been the same; I find this comfortable place
With all my friends and then my friends start telling me that I’ve always been wrong
And I’m so tired of being wrong
There was a time I could move, there was a time I could breathe.
The crowded spaces filled with angry faces,
It didn’t once cross my mind.
With paranoia on my heels, will you love me still
when we awake and you find that the sanity has gone from my eyes?
I got secrets from you, you got secrets from me
Because you’re so worried about what I’m gonna think.
Baby I’m worried too.
But if love is a game, girl, then you’re gonna win.
I’ll spend the rest of my life bringing victory in
If you want me to.
Deer Tick's song "Art Isn't Real (City of Sin)" has also resonated with me.
I am the dotted line,
And you fill me in with whatever you like.
I am just going through the motions.
I need an old fashioned potion.
There has gotta be some old recipe.
'Cuz I gotta get drunk,
I gotta forget about somethings.
I lived in lies all my life,
And I've been living here for a long, long time,
And I know its been coming down a while now,
When it shows, then you get me on the dial,
But right now you're half way around the world,
Maybe I'll see better days, but I'm not so sure I will.
I'm still hanging round and round.
Sometimes it's a racket, but lately not a sound.
In the bowels of history and time,
I have learned to stay back and never shine.
Now I feel stupid when I smile.
For not a journey, a circus are our lives.
I can't make up for everything I waste,
And I know that I could never afford a taste,
Of anything that your lovely hands make,
It eats away before the soul brake.
Just because it brings a smile to my face,
such a bad memory, you just can't erase.
I know of a City to steal from,
And I know of a City to cheat on,
And I know of a City of Sin,
And that's the place I wanna meet you in,
And say hello all over again,
Romance me and take it back to the beginning.
Both songs speak to me because I have really felt lost these past few months. I'm not one for wafting around and pretending that I wanted to go to art school when pastry school didn't pan out made me slightly crazy. I guess I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready for art school and I'm pretty sure it's something that I'll never do. I just don't take it seriously. I mean, art is for me. Not for anyone else. Definitely not for someone else to judge (even though that's part of the viewing process). Maybe one day I'll be ready for that but it's not today.
Once I stopped ignoring the fact that I didn't feel like AI Portland was a place I could see myself taking classes in, I really didn't want to admit that I don't know anything, especially what I'm good at. I also didn't really want to come to terms with the fact that I won't love or want to keep the first job I have post college. I'm 23; there's time to figure out what I'm good at. I guess I'm not really that good at being uncomfortable and I have already had a few jobs that have made me wish my car broke down on the way in so I wouldn't have to go (despite the obvious headache that would accompany a broken car). I hated every minute of it and I don't exactly want to go back to that (but honestly, who would? Still people do it every day and for years!)
I guess it all goes back to the idea that I want to be the exception to the rule, not the rule itself. I wanted to be the one person that found out what they wanted to do with their life right out of college and, on top of that, found a good job (that paid well!) and actually was hiring. But no, that's not me and I'm certain that person doesn't exist.
Maybe the problem is that I'm good at lots of things and now it's time to choose something to do and there are just too many options. That sounds like a high class problem.
It's ok to have multiple jobs in a lifetime. It's even ok to be discontent, as long as it isn't forever. I'm just scared that I'll be discontent for the rest of my life and not even realize it.
Here's to the Future
I hate spraying air freshener and, because I have to walk through it on the way out of the door, end up smelling like "Tahitian flowers" when I emerge from the bathroom.
I appreciate the fact that I might be one of the only people who ever thinks about this more than a fleeting moment but it's something I think about every time I spray air freshener, which mean every time I feel like being kind after I poop.
I am currently sitting at the Columbia public library, listening to La Roux's "Bullet Proof." This song makes me think of England because La Roux always played at Sugarhouse and one of the girls definitely played at least one La Roux song every time they went out (read: every night of the week).
I have no idea where that intro thought came from; in all honesty I started writing this post about two weeks ago and that's where I started. Since then I have decided a few things. Most importantly: I am going to stay in Columbia and pay off my loans at a VA job. Well I just found out today that I do not qualify for the one job I am basically a shoe in for. Sigh. Such is life. On the upside, I have found at least five other jobs that I can apply for. Not to mention one other job at the VA. Of course the five other jobs are open right now. Not in three months like I want. But yea...I'm working on it. That said, I just turned in my deposit and application for an apartment. So I guess that part is covered. Unless of course I get turned down, which is entirely possible though unlikely.
I am suddenly freezing in here.
There is a heap of things that I'm meant to be doing. Most specifically, my art project because yes, I am still taking a class. I'd be a professional student but I'm actually ok with not going to class all the time or having homework. I mean I guess I do have that but it's entirely up to me at this point to do more work. I have finished one print (something that Chris said was flawless-shocking to me too) which really was the only thing I had to do for the class. That being said, I'd really like to make several more. I have ideas, but then again I don't really.
I hate Google Instant.
I feel excited about the future. I guess I'm excited about living on my own with my cats. I don't exactly want to work every day (or take classes for that matter) and I think it will be a challenge. I sometimes worry about how I'm going to make money but then I remember that I don't exactly have to love my job. I just need one. I can do that.
I appreciate the fact that I might be one of the only people who ever thinks about this more than a fleeting moment but it's something I think about every time I spray air freshener, which mean every time I feel like being kind after I poop.
I am currently sitting at the Columbia public library, listening to La Roux's "Bullet Proof." This song makes me think of England because La Roux always played at Sugarhouse and one of the girls definitely played at least one La Roux song every time they went out (read: every night of the week).
I have no idea where that intro thought came from; in all honesty I started writing this post about two weeks ago and that's where I started. Since then I have decided a few things. Most importantly: I am going to stay in Columbia and pay off my loans at a VA job. Well I just found out today that I do not qualify for the one job I am basically a shoe in for. Sigh. Such is life. On the upside, I have found at least five other jobs that I can apply for. Not to mention one other job at the VA. Of course the five other jobs are open right now. Not in three months like I want. But yea...I'm working on it. That said, I just turned in my deposit and application for an apartment. So I guess that part is covered. Unless of course I get turned down, which is entirely possible though unlikely.
I am suddenly freezing in here.
There is a heap of things that I'm meant to be doing. Most specifically, my art project because yes, I am still taking a class. I'd be a professional student but I'm actually ok with not going to class all the time or having homework. I mean I guess I do have that but it's entirely up to me at this point to do more work. I have finished one print (something that Chris said was flawless-shocking to me too) which really was the only thing I had to do for the class. That being said, I'd really like to make several more. I have ideas, but then again I don't really.
I hate Google Instant.
I feel excited about the future. I guess I'm excited about living on my own with my cats. I don't exactly want to work every day (or take classes for that matter) and I think it will be a challenge. I sometimes worry about how I'm going to make money but then I remember that I don't exactly have to love my job. I just need one. I can do that.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Working...?
Strangely, while I'm working I always think about things and get ideas for print or life issues get sorted/tangled. I think it's funny in a way. I mean I'm meant to be thinking about the task at hand but what I do is often repetetive and mundane so my mind has a chance and the ability to wander onto almost anything.
Time for a piece of truth:
I'm afraid to go to pastry school or art school because I'm pretty sure that I'm not really good at either thing. I'm scared of failing. Going to art school means I have to embrace art in a way I've never done before and I don't know how to. I'm scared that I'll continue to treat it as a hobby where everyone else treats it as life.
The honest truth is that I dont know what I want to do in my life and I'm pretty sure I'm not really good anything. Except maybe those mindless tasks I complete daily (if completion equals good).
Sidenote: (An update on the independently wealthy scheme) My roommate JP gave me some sound advice regarding marrying a wealthy man: Stop hanging out with artists.
Time for a piece of truth:
I'm afraid to go to pastry school or art school because I'm pretty sure that I'm not really good at either thing. I'm scared of failing. Going to art school means I have to embrace art in a way I've never done before and I don't know how to. I'm scared that I'll continue to treat it as a hobby where everyone else treats it as life.
The honest truth is that I dont know what I want to do in my life and I'm pretty sure I'm not really good anything. Except maybe those mindless tasks I complete daily (if completion equals good).
Sidenote: (An update on the independently wealthy scheme) My roommate JP gave me some sound advice regarding marrying a wealthy man: Stop hanging out with artists.
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