Some Things I've Done

I uploaded some pictures on Google+. They are of fun things I've done in my life. Mostly the past few years. As I was looking through my pictures, I realized that I've done some amazing things.

Now I'm not trying to toot my own horn by any means. Mostly I thought about all the fund stuff I did so far and then I thought about who was with me. Why was it amazing? I saw some pretty inspiring things in Europe. I met my best friend there. I spent time with my brother and we talked about God and travel and adventure. I saw some great bands with my brother and sister. We have since made more plans to do more things together, like we used to back when we didn't live in different cities or have children to support. When it was just a little bit easier to hang out.

I feel good about my life. I started reading Eat, Pray, Love and a part of me feels like there is this huge pressure to get something more than just the pleasure of reading out of the story. I do understand what she says and means. No, I've never been crushingly depressed but I do understand what traveling to get away from things feels like and I have been to some of the same places in Rome. It makes me think about how I want to spend the rest of my life.

I haven't forgotten or necessarily given up on my dream to be a writer. I have often wondered what it would be like to live, to some degree, like she does. Writing as I travel the world. I suppose more accurately, writing as I go to the three countries I really want to go to.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I think too linearly. Life really isn't like that, is it?

Sitting on Babies

So it's late-ish on a Saturday night. I'm hanging out at a lovely home in my old neighborhood, babysitting. The kids are all asleep and, because I cannot figure out the TV situation, I am sitting a very quiet, basically dark living room. Thankfully I have figured out how to turn on a lamp. I swear I'm a college graduate; it's just hard to figure out simple things in new environments. Specifically homes of friends with really nice things.

I only really watched the kids for about two hours. I had fun, even though I did get hit in the eye with a rubber bracelet. An accident of course but it still stings and it happened over an hour ago. It took me back to playing with my brother when I was a kid. I took a rubber band to the eye once. They're really good kids and, lucky for me, didn't take long to warm up to me. I hope they remember me because I actually wouldn't mind just hanging out with them on a regular basis. These boys are a little gross and kind of rough, but they're also really sweet and extraordinarily smart. I'd really like to do some kind of fun craft with them. I'd want to bring something really fun and creative to the table...but I'm not sure what that would be for a boy. I know what my nieces like to do, but they're girls and considerably younger (I think).

Now that I'm older and babysitting doesn't happen as often, sometimes I feel a little out of my element. I guess in a way it's easy to be goofy, like I was when I was a kid. But I'm also a little self conscious and unsure about little boys. I only hang out with my nieces. They're mostly girly with the occassional tom boy activity.

I guess bottom line kids are just kids. They're really not too difficult.

What the Twitter?

I feel like there are a ridiculous amount of things in my life that are pushing me toward getting a Twitter account. Without a Twitter account, I have not been able to express my love for the Voice or ask the contestants questions directly (not that I would really do that but still). I am apparently missing a whole world of things that happen on Timbers. I just thought about commenting on a friend's wordpress blog and it was like "hey you can comment...if you had a Twitter!" (among other things but that one really stood out to me).

I just recently committed myself to being anti-Twitter for as long as possible. But apparently that isn't meant to be very long.

I mean honestly, today I wanted to tell all the folks on Timbers about how "JP and the Tough Choices" are going to be playing at Mojos and are standing up to the injustice of "quintessentially American music." If I had gchat, I would have been able to do that just fine. But I do not any longer. The lack of internet in places that are not public and/or my job has meant no more gchat, or at least not really enough of it to count. So instead I sent an email (how archaic) to one person. Though in reality I could have sent a mass email just as easily (I mean, I have to have everyone's gmail address to have them on gchat).

I have promised that I would join the world of Twitter once I have a mobile device that will allow me to be on the interwebs in my home without actually having interwebs. So sometime in August.

Seriously though, I do have some qualms with Twitter. Albeit irrationally, I have an issue with the the posts being called "tweets." I have no real idea why it bothers me but it does. Also, I just heard about a way to pantomime the # for a tweet. When I saw it, I immediately wanted to punch the creator in the throat. Why? Who knows. It's not like I dislike it because it's pretentious or quirky. We all know I love being pretentious and I'm a snob.

I don't know. I guess I feel a certain pride that I am no longer addicted to social media like Facebook and I don't want to get sucked in to Twitter.

Summer in the City

Though can we call Columbia "the City"? I guess I should but it's certainly not the same kind of city as San Francisco or even Kansas City.

Hello my friends. My long absence has come to a close. I'm sitting on a chair backwards at Jess's house. It's not uncomfortable hot anymore. I was sweating earlier as I drank hot coffee but now I'm doing better, with my jeans rolled up and a fan roaring near me. Everyone seems to be napping right now. Except the cicadas (what an interesting thought; can you imagine a day when in the middle of the afternoon, all the cicadas chatter stopped as they took a siesta?).

I do not nap. Even when I'm sleepy, I'm always nervous that my day will be shot by that glorious thought of a mid-afternoon nap. Like it would make me feel lazy for the rest of the day. If I were really honest, I feel lazy all day anyway so a nap can't be that hazardous.

I don't really have anything to say right now. I just thought it would be a good time to pop in to my blog. Write a few things down and scurry on my way. I miss writing. I miss being creative. I miss making things with my hands. I don't know why I don't just make things at my apartment. I guess it just seems harder when you have two curious cats and fur flying around like pollen on a spring day.


I guess I just dropped in to say that I feel good. Don't get me wrong; there are lots of things that need to be addressed in my personal life to make me feel like I'll be doing any long lasting feeling good but today I just feel good. It seems inexplicable almost. I went to church, got some groceries, had lunch with friends. It's a beautiful day outside. I guess that's enough for a Sunday in June.

So...I'm a Liar

If you haven't already gathered this, you must not be paying attention: I am not that good at timely blogging. In my defense, I do not have internet at my home so it's a little tricky logging on here to blog.

As such I have a lot to update on. And given the time and my current lifestyle, it will be given in easy to read bullets (meaning it's getting late and due to the lack of internet I am at a friend's so I need to hurry up so I can finish this and get home to bed).

1) I got a new job.
I was hired on at Shelter Insurance as a Return Payment Processor. Basically, if someone's payment is denied by their bank, I get to cancel their policy (provided the state law and specific circumstance require a cancellation to take place). I cannot tell you how much I really, really like my job. I've only been there for a month and some change so I can't really jump to "love" yet but gosh dang I'm real close. Everyone has been so incredibly nice and welcoming. It's crazy to me how comfortable I am there. How it doesn't really feel like a stretch to say that I could work for this company for the rest of my life. I actually had a dream a few weeks ago (yes, weeks ago) about coming into work (after finding a husband of course) and telling everyone that I was going to have a baby. And they all congratulated me and threw me a baby shower. That dream freaked me out a little for two reasons: 1) why am I thinking about having babies? 2)a few weeks in and I'm already thinking about these people like close friends/family. I think it's great, don't get me wrong, it's just all so...grown up. I don't know how to express that sentiment without feeling like a nerd but seriously. I just graduated college...I didn't really expect to find something like this so soon. I'm so incredibly glad that I did but it's just unexpected.

2)I'm making real adult plans.
This just means that I'm considering buying a new car and I'm starting to get serious about paying my student loans off. I work for an insurance company so I'm constantly thinking about insurance. I have life and health insurance through my job. I"m about to switch my renter's insurance to Shelter and I"m going to get my very own auto insurance (my mom has been generously paying for it while I've been in college....well basically the entire time I've been driving. She said it's the least she could do since she couldn't help me pay for college, a sentiment I've never fully understood because she gave me life, the least I could do was pay for some of the cost required for my future) I'm also considering buying a bike (which is the real first consideration, prior to new car) because my job is literally right next to my home. I can save on gas money if I just stopped being so damn lazy.

3)My friends are graduating.
This is both exciting and kind of depressing. I'm totally excited for my friends to be done with college. I remember what those last few days were like. It was like the final push to this thing that seemed at times would never end. But there it was, the end of going to class, the end of homework, the end of papers. It was exciting. It was terrifying (but that feeling really only manifested itself two months later when my Portland plans totally started falling apart). It's depressing because some of my friends are moving away. My best friend is moving back to Chicago and then to grad school in Michigan. I'm so happy for her to be going on to do bigger and better things with her degree (because my degree is really just a title, like the Queen of England, move of a figurehead than anything else...couldn't even tell you where my actual physical diploma is right now...) but I'm also sad because I really couldn't say when I'll see her next. At the same time I know that it's not in my nature to walk away from my very good friends. I still make an effort to see Danielle and she lives in Florida.
Alas, it is still a nice time to be in Columbia. Graduation almost always makes my heart swell and my eyes well with tears; it's an inspiring time when the whole world seems open with possibilities.

So yea...that's all I've got for now. I'm tired and I've got work tomorrow. Happy Cinco de Mayo. Celebrate. Be Mexican.

I'm a Blogger, I Swear

I know I know, we've been here before. I don't mean for months at a time to go before I update. It's just, well, life gets in the way. It always has a way of doing that yes?

So I'm currently at the library. One of my favorite places actually. Things are not musty in here like the University library and usually there is enough room for me. The exception of course is during finals week when everyone seems to remember that there are places like libraries to go. But I digress. I love being surrounded by books. They make me happy.

So lately I've been stressed out. I can just feel the tension in my shoulders, especially after the bowling out my parking space (I don't have a shovel so I used a bowl to dig my car out). Then there's the whole job thing, which hasn't really changed. My supervisor's are "working on the paperwork" but those words are really kind of hollow to me.

I have met the minimum requirements for four jobs I applied for so I have hope there. Today at church I filled out a connection card and asked for Woodcrest to pray for me regarding this job situation. Like I said on my card, I'm trying to trust in God but I'm scared. And that is the one thing I feel in my belly every time I think about the future. Not even the distant future. I mean in two weeks, that future. I know this is happening for a reason...well I guess I should say that I trust in God that much. I just don't know how far and how deep these "hard times" will go. That's the scary part. The reason I chose to live alone is because I thought I could handle the test. But living alone AND being jobless...well the combination might be too big of a test.

I'm 23. I just wanted to prove to myself that I am not a part of that trend, you know the one: college students going home to momma to loaf about for a while. I'm not much for loafing. Well I mean, I actually love doing nothing but for like a day. Of course it's easier to go home to your parents. It would have been nice to be with my family and help with my nieces and nephew. But I would have been disappointed. Ever since freshmen year, I have said to myself (and I even told my mom when I left for college) "this is the last time I will live at my mom's house." I may not know exactly what I will be doing for the rest of my life but I know that I want it to be a forward progression. Moving home just seemed like a giant leap backward. When I was 21 and stayed out until 5 in the morning during break (something I did occasionally at my own apartment at school) my mom flipped out. Totally gave me the sternest and most rude conversation of my life. She attacked my friends, the people I associate with, my judgment, the whole thing. I was 21. I was an adult, had been living on my own for two years. We had never had a conversation like that before, not when it is traditionally given (I'm assuming in high school) because I understand what's right and wrong and how to handle myself-my mother taught me that. I really couldn't handle that kind of thing happening again especially now at the age that I am. And it's likely that it would.

So yes, I chose this path which means I chose this uncertainty and fear. But I am trying to remind myself everyday, every minute, that I am not alone. That I have God, I have friends, I have my family that will help me, make it so I won't fail (even if that failure is only in my eyes).

Surprise!

I'm currently sitting at the Starbucks on West Broadway. I am sitting in the only open seat that was not attached to a table occupied by one student diligently studying for the semester already. The seat is a chaise lounge which I have spied on previous occasions but never had the opportunity to sit in. If you think about it, having a chaise lounge is a really strange chair to have at this establishment. I mean, this really isn't the place for lounging in a sexy barely there dress with pouting lips and sexy tousled-as-if-this-were-a-bed hair, which are all things I automatically think of when I think "chaise lounge."

Either way, I am sitting on it. Ironically (?) I am wearing a dress and I curled my hair. My dress is all there; my leggings and boots cover my entire leg and I am wearing a sweater. My curls have pretty much deflated too. I do not feel sexy in any way. Probably because I'm too stressed out to really have any feeling beyond anxiety. I actually feel at angles with this Starbucks. Almost like I'm being sucked down and backwards, folding up from the middle. It's a weird feeling and I'm having trouble grounding myself in this moment with a foot on the floor. If it works for drunks, eh?

I digress.

So it's been ages since I've blogged (we've been here before, yes?). I have moved into my very own apartment and I now live with my two cats Max and Susie in a one bedroom number off a main drag in Columbia.

It's also a new year. I've only been in this apartment for a full week and few days. The reason I'm stressed out is because I might not have a job in three weeks. The VA has kind of fooked me big time. They've extended my position for 30 days, starting last week. They're trying to get this position opened up so I can apply for it before I leave. But honestly. There's no guarantee really, even though I've been told for days and days that I am "the one they want" but that's not necessarily reassuring anymore. So I'm doing the whole resume and application schtick.

More than that, I also feel lonely. I live alone with two cats. I miss Niki and JP. I miss seeing them (sometimes anyway) in the morning for a brief moment before leaving for work. I miss coming home and, after only a few moments in solitude, being able to make dinner or watch them make dinner before retiring to my room to watch tv or something. It's strange because if I really think about it I did spend a lot of time "alone" on Timbers. But it's completely different. I could always just walk downstairs and join the fireside chat or the watch party for How I Met Your Mother.

Since it's been so snowy in Columbia, I haven't even been able to just "drop by" (though I'd never do that. I mean, yes I have a key but it's way uncool to come by unannounced).

I was playing a little game earlier, alone while I watched The Usual Suspects on my laptop. Where would I be without Niki and JP?

1)I would have totally gone crazy and not graduated college. Seriously, without Niki, Reid's help would have been like throwing a stick into a river when the point is to make a dam (Translation for that weak metaphor: it would have been useless).

2) I would be locked into a lease at the 305. Now since I've decided I'm not moving to Portland, I guess that wouldn't have been the end of the world but honestly, had I decided to leave? I would have been boned. And cold with the erratic heat of Dumas. Not to mention I'm certain I would have fallen at least once, if not multiple times on the shoddily shoveled sidewalks/stairs of the complex. Seriously, think of the medical bills.

3) I would have never met and gotten to know the glorious residents of Timbers. The Van Dykes and Creachs have seriously helped me out of multiple jams, easing my transition to living alone tremendously. I'm pretty sure I'd only have two chairs and two plates if not for them.

4) I would have murdered someone by now. This also goes along with number 1. I would have a very small amount of sanity in me causing me to go off the deep end more than the few times I have already because of stupid things that always seem like mountains at the time.

5) I can distinguish the "truth" from the fiction and, even though it doesn't always help me from feeling bad or from feeling like I should do more, at least I know that what I'm feeling isn't because someone hates me or thinks I need to stop whining.

6) I wouldn't know about church and how it can make me feel better about myself just by going (this is something I've only just realized. I've gone to church for two weeks in a row. I missed today and I genuinely feel like I've missed out on something very important).

7) I know it's ok to ask for help. I guess I've known that for a while but I didn't feel like I was being needy for asking at 801.

8) I wouldn't know very much about the geography of Columbia beyond the downtown area. For real. Before I moved my life pretty much consisted of the 15 by 15 block square of campus and downtown.

The point is I'm 100% certain that I would have a very different future if I hadn't had the time I've had with Niki and JP. Living with them was fun, a learning experience, a loving experience. I've never seen so many dinner parties in one space in my life. Which was cool because it kind of put me out of my comfort zone. As we all know being uncomfortable is one of the few times anyone can really change or learn something new.

To end this belated post, I just need to say this: I really hope you meet someone who can really change your life for the better. I've been blessed enough to find two people who changed me, carried me when I felt I couldn't walk, nursed me back to health when I had too much "fun", taught me true, selfless generosity from their hearts.